Merry Flamin' Christmas

Note: I am not depressed.

I am actually quite a bright little individual dazed and slightly confused by the bright lights of God in my small town naivety.

I ignored God when I was a kid. If I could change that I would. I would go and get into God. I would pray with freedom rather than rigidity, and sing when I wanted with all the heart that was in me.

This evening I went to the beach, turned my ipod up to full volume and praised God. Standing on the rocks embracing the bracing easterly wind, God was my audience.
I'm beginning to understand.
I'm beginning to get a grasp on the passion that has been placed within my heart.
Slowly awakening.
Slowly breaking out.

You see boys and girls...it is about Jesus. The basis of ALL of this is Jesus and what he was sent for. Just thinking about some of the things that I have been hearing about Jesus makes me want to go outside and sing again!!...but I won;t because it's 1130pm on Christmas Day.

I've wondered why o why am I not passionate about God? Why does it seem as though my prayers are not from my heart?

Once you grab a firm hold of the cross and the Christ that died on that cross and rose again to make me and you and everyone as white as snow...then life gets meaning.
That is the meaning of life. Ultimately that's the meaning of Christmas...

I could go on forever...

One day God will put words and songs in my mouth...well...actually they're there.
Now I pray that God will help me find a way to get these things out.

Amen.
Happy New Year. x x x

Buying someones heart...

...can't be done...I mean...if you could, would it be a heart worth keeping and knowing as it was bought?...what price have you placed upon your heart?

Words steer a conversation. Our every word determines the course and tone of what could well be described as a conversational journey.
Scripts never work. You can build an 'idea' of what you want to say to someone. But until you see and meet that person you never know just how your heart feels.

Time allows a person to raise and hype situations.

Peace.

I want to stand at the top of the Spinnaker tower for an hour and just pray.

From whom am I hiding?
Is it God?
I hide from confrontation. And the transgressions of my past. Yet still they haunt. Still they jaunt. Still the visit in the hour which I least suspect.

Hammers and nails do little to aid the process.
Turn it up. Maybe that'll get rid of it...
But the days go on. Shorter then longer then shorter.

This is 21.

Keep Going.

Not having the internet at home sucks. It means I cheat work out of their internet when on lunch and I never remember anything that I wanted to say. Most of my genius occurs when I'm out and about walking or coincidentally at home on my computer.
I'm struck with a sense of frustration but at the same time a sense of ease.
So I'm 21, In full time work, and living life. I live in a lovely house which I still havent completely moved into yet... but I'm on the way.
But it's the feeling of being on the way that is both comforting yet frustrating beyond belief.
Nothings changed. Besides the fact that I am comfortable with the fact that I'm 21, single, about to get the travelling bug, earning and playing music.
What more do you need?
What does the world tell you that you need?
What does God tell you that you need?
Who do we listen to more?
When did it become ok to be comfortable with faith and christianity?

Selected for...

So I'm sitting in my office at work...trying to hastily update my blog with whats going on in the world...and provide a suitably individual perspective on it all.
First off I led worship at church on sunday which was an awesome experience. It's amazing what you can do when god anoints you and you obey. Leading again in January.
Woo
Then my cheques cleard today...and I spent 730 quid...on a flight. You know the flight that I never though would happen. The flight that I thought would bring a completely new perspective on God and bring me to a different place with life?...Yep I booked it. This morning. 2nd March I'm off. For 3 weeks. Sun sand and God. Do you need anything else?
Christmas is coming scarily soon.
So's my 22nd birthday. Which happens to be on the same date as my degree celebration. So that will mean being at the union with degree mates celebrating getting old. Awesome.
I also got a desk in my room now...slowly but surely it's beginning to feel more like a home and a place where I can spend some time. All I need is a bookshelf and a cd rack. Argos.com.
I watched Lucky Number Slevin last night...interesting. Quite pulp fictiony in the way it was put together. Need to watch again...ooh and am FINALLY finishing off series 4 of 24.
Now all I need to do is grow up. Get some bible commentaries on my book shelf and buy a boe tie...and dinner jacket.
I want to stay young...but I realised that through always working on a saturday and not ever going out on a friday officially SUCKS. If I ever go out I just feel funny...like I worry about getting up the next day...I need 6 months of Saturdays off.
OOH I also got my uni staff card...it looks so weird.
Hope you are all well.
Dan xx

73

I really want to say something worthwhile in this post. I want to make this one count.
Chances are that I'll end up deleting it becase I don;t think that it runs with the profound tone of the other entries of my blog.
I decided ot start taking pictures again.
I went to Wisley garden centre with my parents on Saturday and decided that I wanted to go again at some point this week with my camera...and probably some enjoyable company...if not then I;m quite happy to go on my own.
But I want to start creating. Taking photos.
Looking for those opportune moments.
Trying to capture the beauty of the world around.
Finding inspiration.
Have you ever looked at a photo?...like really looked and cosidered the before and after-moments?...and also what that photo is implying purely in itself?
Art.
Thus begins.

I ate a muffin wrapper...home school?!

I sat in my living room in an oversized blue t shirt I bought when I was 16, and some white running shorts. I then proceeded to skip mens prayer, watch the film Crash (an interesting look into various racial tensions that are present not only in LA but I would say the world) and then the Devil's Adovcate. Which I must say creeped me out in places.
I must say I was getting a bit concerned...I read RB's blog and she was saying about not getting many comments...then she got 16 in one post...HA. I just figured out how to show comments that I get...but alot of them are from anonymous...saying 'great work.Thanks for your time' or 'I've seen better'. I mean...what?!?!

I realised something interesting when I was writing in my journal...in my new lounge...in my 5 year old t shirt. God's word is important.
Yeah thats right...the guy who works in the bookshop selling people faith on paper realised that the word of God is important.

I went for a few days reading a chapter of Matthews gospel in the morning and praying. Praying. Praying for life. For blessing. For forgiveness. For babies to be healed.

And I think it worked. The baby got healed. The baby came off the ventilator. The baby is digesting. Hallelujah!
But you know what happened. I bought tickets to Incubus. And as soon as I clicked 'buy' I preety much felt the presense of God escape me. I was in my shop at the front desk looking around...'God where have you gone?' He wasn't in me any more. I couldn't just open a book and hope he would be there. For a couple of days it was as though I had become an empty shell. As though I didn;t know where to look. A customer would approach me...and have of me is just like 'whoa whoa whoa whats going on?!!' and the other half is 'can I take a contact name and number?'.
I'm trying to get back into God. It's just so easy to blink and be out of the fold. How to you keep yourself in?

I never wrote a manifesto and would no idea how to...but I kinda want to...but don;t know what I'd write about.

Done

I remember

This is my work office. This is me...pretty much all the time now. In an office drinking a meal deal or packaged sandwich. Wasting my cash. This is a sad but true existence...but I'm not unhappy.
I pop into the smoothie shop up the road. I say hello engage in a bit of freindly banter with the sports science nutriitionist behind the counter and wonder if it's all an act or if she truly is this friendly with everyone...the i begin to wonder whether there are any other twentysomething guys in guildford that wonder into the smoothie shop...not because theyre concerned about their physical upkeep but because they want their day to be uplifted by that little ray of sunshine behind the counter.

I bought appletise this morning. A can. I remember the old school. When appletise was gold dust. The nectar of the gods. About once a fortnight I would get to walk around with my parents on a saturday morning in newport on the island and i would eat a sugar cube...a cheese scone...maybe another sugar cube and then my bottle of appletise. I couldn;t have coke because that rotted my teeth and made me hiper as anything. Just tdrinking the stuff I can remember the sights...the crooked floorboards of this coffee shop we used to go to as a family...the staff dressed up in 1930's maids uniforms...the sneeze guard...the cakes so tantalisingly placed behind the screen calling out to me. So many different ones...which would I stuff my face with first?
But i did not.
I would sit down. My family would sit down. A prehistoric-like game of shotgun would go on between me and my sisters as to who got to sit in the chait with the arms.
The big chair.

I played at this talent exhibition in woking last night. There were many displays of dedication and some great things to be seen.
The thing that moved me the most...strangely enough yes...I was moved...was this school choir. They were exactly like the choir I was in in year 5. And I could just imagine my parents watching us. The proud smiles on their faces. I mean...me and the people I was sat with were laughing at little bits and what not...
My kids are gonna be extravagant. HA.
I don;t want my kids to be afraid of displaying their talents...My kids can sing dance or play and go as far as they want...but I pray I dont use my kid as a channel of my own frustration...that I didn;t go as far as I wanted...


Life is good.

God is good.

Have you ever...

Gone out on payday...and bought some brand spanking, lovely new shoes?
Then you stop off in a park...or work...or starbucks and try your newly purchased shoes out for size. You didn;t want to try them on in the shop because when you shop you shop with a great sense of confidence. A smirk on your face that indicates you know what the cr@p you're doing.
You don't discard of your old shoes right away though. They stay in the box. And you carry your smeel y old shoes around in a brand spanking new box the whole day. You ever noticed that your old shoes, however similar to the new ones, never ever quite fit into the new box quite right?

I bought a cardigan today...I don;t have that much awareness when it comes to colour co-ordination

Paint...go on...PAINT!!

From one hectic combination of omployment to another. I've gone from working 6 days a week between Mcdonalds and wesley owen to working 6 days a week between wesley Owen and working as a research assistant on campus for the people who I was doing the sleep study for.

It's something quite cool to put on your CV and will be a welcome change.

My room in the new place to be is not looking that good at the moment. I have my bed in one corner, a stack of boxes with the crap that before you move you tell yourself you'll be able to get rid of...but can;t because it bears some tiny emotional significance, a suitcase with some clean clothes and a pile of dirty clothes that have settled into roughly a third of the floor space.
It;s not that I can;t pile them up...I'm not that lazy...there are really that many clothes.
There are a couple of things that I can;t wait to get doing.
You shall find in due course.

I have forgotten how to play football.

I have forgotten how to write.

Lesson: keep in the habit of doing things regularly...otherwise you;ll forget how to do them.

How do you stop being tired?

I wonder how many people feel that they have been done a great dis-service by god.

I wonder how many people reject god because of the picture that has been painted for them by the so-called shepherds.

What is my picture? I don;t know.

I just watched a short dvd which is part of a series called Nooma.

The word Nooma is an English phonetic spelling of the Greek word pneuma, which is commonly translated to “spirit” or “breath”.

In this short film the author, Rob Bell, tells the story of a stolen white ball. His eldest son stole the ball from a family assumedly while he was visiting. When questioned about the ball he reacts in a somewhat questionable manner. Acting strangely denying all knowledge of this ball.

Days later the boys are at home with their mother playing when a fight erupts. The younger son gets hit and runs to mum.

Again the older son denies the accusation of committing the act of hitting.

His mother calmly responds 'just like you didn;t know about the white ball?'.

Busted.

He then proceeds to run and hide.

Then dad comes home and searches for his son. Not in his bedrooms. Not in his brothers bedroom. Not in the bathroom. But under the covers of his parents bed.
Dad draws the covers back (and here is what I'm getting at. This is what rang clear with me) and his son has a choice. He can either pull the covers back over and hide or he can lie there on the bed exposed to his dad. He sits on his bed with his son just saying 'There's nothing you could do that would make me love you any less'.

I have spent years running and hiding from god. Getting tattoos to reassure myself of gods presence, and yet still making the same mistakes.

And approximately 5-6 years after all of this started I'm still on the run.

Imagine a bank robber. Smashing through the front door of a bank in his prime. He seizes what isn;t his and makes a dash for it.

Years later still on the run he has grown weary and tired. Spent his winnings from that fateful day.

Bottom line. I don;t know how to get right.

I don;t know how to make it right.

It's so dark in here I can barely see my hand

Ok so that's a bit of an over exageration.
But I'm participating in a study of the body clock which goes over 4 weeks and for this weekend I am in a dark room sitting in bed. How could life get any better you ask? Well I get paid and am gonna put the cash towards a ticket to sydney.
I've been spending my time working between Mcdonalds and my bookshop. Oooh did I mention that I'm hideously addicted to 24 season 4?...well I am and I love it!!

I move house this week. Just down the road..but I must say that I'm really looking forward to getting into a home. Not that my present accomodation isn't a home...but whenever I'm at home I just don;t feel as though I can relax. Whe I sit in my sty of a room I'm almost itching to do some work and I feel guilty for just sitting around watching dvds because I associate that room with my degree for which I am due to get the results very soon!

Man it;s all kicking off at the moment...I'm hitting the job search hard. But if you want a full time job in retail in Guildford - quite a large university town just after all the freshers arrive in town then you;re gonna have a hard time working through all the crap and getting that one job that you really want.

On Wednesday I was at work and as usual in the morning we sat down with a luke warm cup of this time peppermint tea as I had brought in some tea bags which I have now haphazardly left there. We looked through some devotional notes and the quote unquote word for wednesday was about checking your ego. Just about being humble. Before we get gifted the larger things in our life to do we have to work through the little things...and have to be obedient in the things that god appoints us to do. Like work at Mcdonalds.

Then the word for thursday was abvout being under construction. 1 John 3v2 says in the KJV bible - ...it doth not yet appear what we shall be...
Which to me is a great concept. Not so I can go...'right...God I believe that you are gonna give me...a ferrari even though it is not I call it into being' or something to that extent.
Which when put into practise is a great action of faith.
So I'm calling into being the things that I believe God has for me. The salary. The Girl. The voice. The songs.

I start reading encounter with God tomorrow. I promised someone I would read it...last time I tried to read something with someone it didn;t exactly go too well...didn;t really agree with alot of stuff in the Purpose Driven Life.

Life goes on..God got me out of Mcdonalds in time and granted me favour.

Faithworx

(Listening to Bill Withers on someone elses laptop while I;m blogging and being antisocial...score)

Love y'allxx

Five Thousand and counting

The internet has spawned a new age of addiction and loneliness.

Myspace, faceparty, islandoo, all this stuff..has spawned an addiction to sitting infront of a screen in a barely lit room formulating conspiracy theories and drinking diet Dr.Pepper.

With computer has come desperation and sore square eyes.

Generation X would have had a simpler time going to a park every sunday afternoon with their sweetheart once a week and chatting about this and that slowly but surely falling in love. Times were simpler.

Now it's all you are not complete unless you are with someone.

I am complete in christ.

I have all I need in the promises and deeds of the cross.

But what it is to hear the words we want to hear from that pretty girl we like. What it is to be close. To bury your head in the arms of someone who wants to be in yours. To feel the heartbeat of anothers breast...God didn;t create man to be alone.

But until my time I shall strive to be all that God made me to be.

Ouch

So I'm at work...but I had to get this down.

I've just been struck be a stomach wrenching revelation...

I'm very much fearful that actually...I'm not going anywhere.

People I admire and respect and love dearly as friends are getting engaged, putting bands and musical projects together, travelling...the whole lot...but I'm working 6 day weeks between McDonalds and a Christian Bookshop.

I want to go somewhere...who took my road map away?

Boys and the Beats

I feel like a care-free teenager.

20 minutes of clumsy hap-hazard foot ball then the real wildness kicks in.

A thunder storm begins with the pitter patter of small refreshing drops that fall upon our sweaty heavily slothed bodies. The decision is passed that we don't want to get too wet while we're trying to keep ourselves going for the evenings activities.

It was one of those scenes where we should've been drinking refreshingly cool white lightning cider and smoking poorly rolled cigarettes taking a 5 minute fag and drink break every 2 or 3 goals.

The usually beautiful game was barred by the inconsiderately parked cars and unamuzingly placed pillars in the bottom carpark.
Then a true act of vandalism happens...a clumsy shot...that one tiny lapse of concentration...that tiny little surplus rush of adrenaline...

death to the security camera...we won;t be playing there for a while.

Damn kids.

Poetic Justice...

I have a strange sense of deja vu...except in the deja vu my room was the other way round...but circumstances were the same...I was watching smallville and typing something on my computer...well admittedly that's most days...to my shame.
I've got box-set fever. Isn't that what life boils down to? Mundane jobs, dvd box-sets of a life we always wanted and dreams of a life less ordinary.
It shouldn't have to...but...how on earth do we morph the mundane to the purposeful? Can just being a credible person in a workplace be a supernatural feat?
I want to paint. Not with a brush on a canvas. But with a pen on paper. I want to capture peoples imaginations and help them dream. I want to see natural beauties and then share them with anyone who cares to read.
When in Zoolander the blondie woman says that an aboriginal said that a picture steals part of your soul. Is that why the pen is mightier than the sword?
Here's an exercise that maybe I'll take up in private of taking a photo and then just writing about it...trying to incarcerate (you see the thing I have with words is that I'm not sure what they mean but I pick up on words in conversation and then try and put them in context in a series of trial and error moments of...genius) the image within a readers mind....


This is a journey that I want to embark upon. I want to travel. I want to go to Paris, Devon, Moscow, Kenya, the Grand Canyon, Sydney and New Zealand.
I have many pictures to paint. I have many things to sort along the way. I want to go sit on a beach with my camera and a pad of paper.
I have this feeling that there is a vision that God has for me to run with. And I want to go and spend some time chasing the heart of God.
I've been putting together a little plan of the next year or so. And I'm not going to tell you what it is as I think that it's something I need to keep to myself.

So...Lana Lang huh?

Just a thought

How often do we hear songs, learn the words so that they are second nature to them, and then spew them every week in church as part of the regularities that occur? Well...I think quite a lot...
When was the last time we thought about what it is that we sing on a sunday. What it is that we are confessing to on a Sunday?
For me this is quite an issue. Where I work, I listen to christian 'worship' albums 7-8 times a day sometimes varying, sometimes it's the same album time after time!!! And I become de-sensitised to what it is that I subscribe to as a faith. I lose a sense of genuinity and just find everything that I hear and see contrived, false and quite honestly...plastic!
God is the ALMIGHTY...as a good friend of mine said...not the ALMATEY. Has christianity got too cosmo? Has it crashed through the sensible barriers of consumerism? Are christians more consumed with pushing books, cd's and dvd's from shelves than delivering a spiritually reputable message?
I'll leave that one out there.

Love God through all the sh*t...there's a concept. That's what we're called to do is it not? Not just when things are going our way. Whether prayer is answered or not...still love God.

Still love God.

It's harder than it looks.

The Farse Show

That's right...I can play with words.

Against advice, I've been reading Disappointment With God by Philip Yancey.

What am I disappointed with?

I don;t know...To be honest, I can;t quite place my stubby little finger on the precise factor, but all I know is that it surfaces every so often and I enter into a recession.

A recession. Like Recess. A 15-20 mintue break from the plastic glamour of life lessons. Recess. The time when problems boil, tempers fray and romances for some unknown reason bloom.
It's a time of social activity. People huddle together patting themselves on the back telling each other just how good they are and how much better they are than the other kids in the playground.

Recession. A setback. A sleeping Policeman. A speed hump that tells you, even though the road is clear, the sun is setting and the geese are migrating south for winter, that you must SLOW DOWN.

Or a Recession. A lapse. Like a broken Burt Bacharach 12" record. You get to the bridge of 'What the World Needs Now', you have your tumbler of whiskey, open log fire, beautiful tabby cat sprawled across the fire rug when all of a sudden...a jitter. Burt and the whole Burt orchestra are stuck in a 3/4 second loop.
A Lapse. An emotional turnover.

Month End.

Writing on the Walls

Theres something awfully compelling about the sky at dusk. As soon at the clouds glaze over with the yellow of a sinking sun it's almost as if there;s a race to go and find that beauty spot where for the alotted time spent there, things fit into place.
You don;t need a 5 year plan, you don;t have to learn to drive, your martial status means nothing because for those select seconds time is dead.

Reading books is all good and fair but they offer stale and impractical hope. I;ve never been much of an application kinda guy...does Christianity require you to be a certain 'type' of person?

I;m just pissed off because I feel left out.

Better luck next time.

Musings of someone with nothing to do

This is an entry from my journal:

The beach is a place of discovery. It's a place where kids learn all about boundaries and the power of the earth. Children stand at the edge of the tide ankle deep clutching their parents hand, staring into the depths of what could be.
Sandcastles are an early artistic expression. It's almost like they're building their first home. They learn about foundations - that unless you build on something solid, what you have made gets washed away.
Parents are security, shelter, money, warmth, provision.
It's almost as though the beach is a place of tuition, exploration, freedom.

Where did I go wrong?

Are there opportunities that I'm going to wish I took? I don;t want to wish I'd travelled, played, written and loved more. I want to do as much of these things as I can while I'm young.

The beach is also a great place of recollection. Elderly couples who have seen wars, fought battles and experienced death walk along the prominade. While the young are windswept, cold and wet, the older are well prepared and always, always dry.

The sought after existence of a kite is over-rated. Everyone longs to fly wildly in the wind but as a kite you are forever at the mercy of your pilot rooted on the ground.
I remember flying my kite. Many a time i would let the diamond go to the full length of the wire and struggle to hold on. But I do remember thinking about setting the kite free.

Setting the kite free.

To fly it's own path.

To navigate the winds as it chose.

To fly as a bird.

Where did I go wrong? When did my innocence turn to ignorance instead of wisdom? When did a full piggy bank cease being important and the courtship of possessions begin to take it's place?

When did I stop having fun?

Not all nuns will get into heaven

So I'm back on the Isle of Wight ... no wait s***e. Ha.
And I tell you what - when I get back here, I get all conservative and I just naturally invert to my tortoise shell and I become someone whom I barely recognise.

Like on the boat ride over the Solent I was listening to Man with a Movie Camera by the Cinematic Orchestra. And in my have power-nap state I was just making a film in my head. Like the track entitled Dawn...just paints to many pictures...I was just seeing a Snowman-esque scene...starts off in normal camer footage of a young adult male and female in a field with waist height grasses blowing in the wind...and the couple lying at the top of a hill in the grass just laughing. The guy has placed a broken piece of the grass in his mouth in an attempt to immasculate himself - to say - 'out here I'm a real man'.

The next track...I dunno...like the scene turns into animation...like the scrappy animation of the Snowman...you know the 'walking on the air malarky'. And Its a dark starry night and the boy and girl are dancing in the grass...just...like...they're expression of their love is more than any words can say...this is a dance that can't be described by words...the animation is the only thing that does it justice...the rough edges the untimely frames...in undignified but more beautiful than you could ever imagine. And this goes on for hours. Tirelessly the couple express, display and perspire throughout the evening beneath the blurrly stars. It's a beautiful scene...if only you could see it.

Then there's the walk home...but that's for another day.

Looks can be decieving.

Confidence is a barrier. Smiles hide broken hearts. Scars tell a thousand tales. Feet walk a thousand miles.
Bibles are read countless times but still we can't make head nor tail of it.

Maybe this philosophers hat doesn;t suit me...but for now...I like it.

Je suis creative.

Bon.

h x

So I just got back from soul survivor - in one way one of the most unsettling environments to be in as an insecure single christian. Members of the opposite sex are parading themselves araound and because it's a christian environment pretty much everyone without a wedding ring on is eligable!! hahaha
But at the same hideously awkward time everyone is completely ineligable cuz unless you fall stupidly in love in the space of 5 days then you know it's not really gonna happen.

Watching people fall in love is an awesome thing. It's like watching the transition of seasons. Sitting in the porch of my tent I noticed many a time this week that there were a growing amount of crispy crimson c...(ok end of illiteration)leaves. And it's like this...everything around us even us in our hearts and spirits are always in transition.
Even when we feel as though we have been waiting at a red light for what may have been days months or even years!

I'm in transition.

I'm learning what it is to find affirmation and approval in God instead of searching for it in the world.

The things God does for us day by day are just unfathomable. Like - the stars at night, the sun in the morning, the sun at night, a dragonflys flight pattern... This whole planet is one big romantic gift from God to his people...and I;m loving it.

Look at the picture at the top in this entry. It's name is 'This is what I was made to do'.

We were made to be part of a great romance between us and our heavenly father.

Plug in.

I'm not on my own computer. I'm on my housemates laptop. On the system bar or whatever you call it on a mac it says next to the battery display icon - 99%.
In the last few minutes in which I've been sitting here it's stayed at 99%.
When do we ever get to 100%?
When will we evver feel as though we aren't burnt out?

I'm off to Soul Survivor to play and seek God. You know what? I have no idea what I want to get from this week. It's like the mindset of a christian is to constantly want an impartation from God. Like all the time we want to hear some life changing word from God be it confirmation or revelation of some bigg thing.

But you know what?

I don;t want anymore impartation, Shall I tell you what I want? I want to get rid of some stuff for once. I want to iron out some creases instead of adding to the ruffles in the crisp white shirt of my life...ya know what I mean?
Since finishing I haven;t really had the chance to stop, look and listen to what;s going on around e and in a way that disturbs me.
I want to wind down. This year will be good for me I think. It;s gonna be a time where I can find out who I am again instead of chasing deadlines and being squashed by the pressure of a degree and wondering what is in store in the docu-soap that is life.

There once was a young man named Horace,
Who wished dearly his name was Boris.
How he loved to run
From the things he had done,
..............................................

I was never any good at finishing things. Let;s hope one day I can finish a task to the best of my ability and be happy and content with what I;ve done,
Now I;m speaking in riddles...I probably should have kept my drunken entry from last night...

Telling someone you read their blog whom you hardly know...what a f**king idiot.
HAHAHA

..........................To be continued

50 things women really want to hear

I'm not gonna reel off 50 things that I think women want to hear. Its just that I take random titles from the things I can see when I write an entry to this thing.

So I've been thinking - what is the key to winning a girls heart...I suppose more importantly what is the key to DISCOVERING Gods heart?

Is it flowers and chocolates?

Is it heroism?

Is it valiance?

Is it confidence?

Is it boldness?

The holy spirit is the one that will guide me to my heavenly father's heart. And I think that besides God the only other mystery that lies on God's green planet is the inner workings of a womans heart.

(As Cities Burn - Worshipcore)

Bowling 100

Today I did these things in this order:
Woke up
Went to church
Went for lunch in weatherspoons and had a lasagne al forno
Almost threw up from the crappy lasagne
Walked to the spectrum
Spent about 20 mintues sitting in the spectrum Burger King worrying about the impression I was going to make on the people I was about to meet.
Played a game of bowling
Got 2 strikes, a half strike, 100 points and 2nd place out of 6.
Was pleased that i didn;t look like a complete tit infront of some people that I'd never met.
Stood outside of the electric theatre waiting to get in for a bible study while the clouds began to gather and the weather deteriorated.
Wanted to go and stand in the pouring rain and scream til I was blue in the face.
Downloaded some Psalty and left a long answerphone message with as much of the butterfly song as would record.
Came home and prayed.
Decided to do a blog entry and listen to some D'Angelo (The soundtrack of my honeymoon HAHAHA)

So I handed all my coursework in like...last week. And I'm glad to get that damned degree over. Whether or not I pass is in the hands of God.
But I kinda feel like at the moment I'm going through a new birthing stage. The boy, the child that hid through my degree is making way for a whole new being....you ready?...check this...DAN THE MAN.

Yeah.

I've found myself...especially this evening talking about the Holy Spirit wanting to embrace the raw power of God in the form of the Thunder storm. I absolutely effing love em. The lighning flashes and thunder claps that make you jump, then you look to the skies in anticipation of capturing a golden electric flash.
I want to stand in the rain and scream with all that is within me. I am becoming ferral!!! or however it's spelt...
I want to be wild. I want to be untamed...I want to love with an untamed heart. I want to get lost in the wilderness and embracethe elements of the father, son and holy spirit.
Men are becoming feminine weirdos! We're getting so caught up in hair cuts and moisturiser and meercat scarves! I say NO!
Well actually... I say be well groomed and take care of appearance but don;t get too gay about it.
I want to rescue. I want to romance and choose and live the enchanted life that my father intended and so few find.
Life isn;t a box of chocolates.
Life is a book. A dusty hardback book with guilded pages and silky ribbon markers bound into the spine.
Life is broken into chapters. This the end of one and the beginning of another.

I'm all excited now.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline
2 Timothy 1v7

Baths and Sleeping bags

So its...8pm sunday. I need another bath. It's hot and seems as though its staying that way.
I finished my degree last week - handed everything in on wednesday and have been kinda kicking back since. I'm not sure how well i did everything but it's out of my hands now I spose.
I don't know what I want.

I don;t want to run away with myself again. I've done that too much. I just want to take a bit of time out and get my back sorted.

I played the last ever show with awkward silence last night at ryde theatre on the iow. I don;t think ive ever had so much fun.

It feels like a chapter of my life is now finished. My sister and her fella came down to see me and i said to them 'maybe after this evening you will understand a bit more about me from when i was a teenager'.
I kinda feel like i want to do something for those kids because dare i say it i dont think that any of the churches in the uk and the island are really doing anything that is relevant to these kids who are angry having sex getting pregnant and getting wasted all the time.

Maybe one day i'll find a purpose.
Maybe one day i'll know what im supposed to do on this planet.
Maybe one day i'll find god for real.

ED

There was a line that I just heard in ED which i thought was classic:

"In case you haven't seen, I'm not THAT attractive! I'll probably never have another date!"

I AM Warren Cheswick

I did something that I always want to do last night.
I went and experienced the raw power of God.
In case you're wondering just what on earth I'm talking about - I went and sttod in the rain and walked up and down my road in trousers and flipflops letting the rain just fall. It's funny looking at nature...God made these things so that we would stand in awe of his power....
Psalm 93

...that renault advert...haha.

Irony

Do you ever think...am I in the 'Dan Barrett show' - or whatever your show would be called.
Like the Truman show...but your own?

We're either in our own Truman show or God exists.

I vote God...though my own tele show would be fun.

Joseph

So i sat down at this one wanting to just write without stopping and without thinking. But then someone came round to drop off my amp from borrowing it.

I went to a wedding this weekend...the wedding of James Earley. It was quite funny because i was pretending to be a trainee BA pilot for the day and there were a couple of girls on our table who bought it hook line and sinker.
The photo on what i hope is the right of this text was the view as the sun set.
I enjoyed having a bit of wine and having some fun.
But weddings are i think quite a sinister animal and let me explain to you why that is.
The service is all celebration. you sing some songs you applaud you shed tears of joy and you take some photos. Then you have the reception you mingle you start drinking...then you eat. And that was when the great big ugly beast reared it's head.
I was like...I want to make a speach.
Not becaase i love being the centre of attention - that aside..i want to be the one with a best man with everyone looking at me and my missus thinking...'god got this one right'.
As i said to a good friend on the day 'weddings are great until you have the terrible moment of realisation of "sh*t! I'm nowhere as near to any of this than i first thought! infact i'm even furhter away from any of this than i thought!"'

There was another dear friend of mine who was being pursued by 3 women on the day and he said about one of them last night (this is what a friend's girlfriend who was at the wedding said) "when a girl who has the attention of an attractive, popular guy sees him entertaining the thought of another girl then she gets a bit jealous even though she doesn;t want the guy herself per se".
And i was just thinking...my good friend whom i love as my very own brother, has alot of things playing in his favour. He is a popular guy with female options.

And then a question popped into my head. 'What have I got?'

What HAVE I got? Ok so it was a wedding and that was it...but i don't think i have anything.

You know what this is really about. This is about kissing dating goodbye. Well no this isnt about some uppity book that is full of Americanisms...this is about me drawing my affirmation and sense of worth from who i am through Christ.
I don't want marriage yet. I want the affirmation. The sense of self-worth that being in a relationship, a member of the opposite provides.
Where did I lose it?...If someone sees it can they post it to me?

I feel a distinct urge for God to crash into my life like a big tonne of bricks. I want God to reshape the brick wall that is my faith (if you haven't read Velvet Elvis then I suggest you do...I just bought the audio book off itunes cuz i cant be bothered to read it...aaah god bless the future)

At church yesterday I sat all the way through a very challenging sermon just staring straight ahead thinking 'this doesnt apply to me - i don;t have to listen to you'...i heckled a bit and i chipped in with a humourous comment...well what i thought was humourous...and then tuned out instantaneously.
Then God got me.
I cried. I sobbed. And God said to be 'I want you to dream - you CAN dream'

I've struggled with issues of disappointment of not trying to do something because of the fear of failure. And I haven;t let myself dream because I'm sh*t scared that my dreams will not materialise.
But like in every good action hero story You have to try.

Man now I'm fired up.
I wanna be a hero now. I want to go and change the whole world!!

But one step at a time. First i have to get through the end of this degree and get into the wide world.
Then we'll see what happens.

Have you ever been so excited by the sights of creation that you just wanted to scream?
There are sights in creation that excite me...like a sunset...like the sun poking through the clouds mid afternoon... like a sunRISE...like the stars on a clear warm night.
God did all of these things so he could wow us...life is one big romance.

I want in.

Heat, transcriptions and dissertations

I've hit this kind of brick wall where my mind won't focus. I don't know how to clear it and focus on this work i have to do!!
I've been at home on the isle of wight for the last few days and have been enjoying the sun and the sea. I miss being near the sea.

I just want this all to be finished. I want to be out of my degree and have a job and start living life.

www.myspace.com/wherewithall

www.myspace.com/supergeekrockexplosion

God - inspire me.

I might have to get back on the Sigur Ros.

I told you I travel in style

So wedding rehearsal in trowbridge today after playing at st johns on stoke road.

God bless music. And journeys.

I want to create the kind of music that inspires. That excites the imagination.

The kind of music that raises the dead...through inspiration of the holy spirit.

God give me courage and the inspiration to create for the glory of your kingdom.

I travel in style.


I live and learn.

We all do.

The mind is a battlefield where we fight daily. Maybe this is the one battlefield where we really need to win. Where we really need to grasp the victory that Christ gifted to us and take hold of the freedom given.

It is because of a man on a tree.

It's that simple. It's that frustratingly simple.

The simple things are never that easy to grasp because they're simple and we expect a concept so life giving to be more complicated...but it's not.

(Andrae Crouch - Mighty Wind...O hallelujah, we give him the honour, we give him the praise)

University is the most off-putting time of any persons life. It's an experience but it sure does turn you upside down.

I want to be needed.

Thoughts of a travelling bachelor

So I’m sitting on a train that I just hopped onto at Birmingham. I’ve found over various train journeys that it is more favourable to not try and write in my journal trusting that I’ll be ok to write in a straight line… Trains lie.
So I just stayed with my sister Jen in Shrewsbury for a couple of days. It’s certainly been nice to get away. I rarely find that I am able to get out and find peace. When I get home I either want to go out and meet people or I just want to relax.
So what do I believe in? I believe in God. I believe in the God that loves. The God that so loved the world that he sent his only son, Jesus Christ, to die on a cross so that all who accept his death may have the promise of eternal life. I believe that God created the world. Whether in seven days or as a perfect pre-made state or what I do not know. I suppose that my personal knowledge shall grow only as I study and read the bible more.
I believe in the Jesus who loves. Who as Aaron Gillespie from the great band Underoath put it – ‘hung out with whores and hookers’. Why is that a concept that seems to be lost on a lot of the middle class churches? There are so many churches out there (dare I say…sorry for the sweeping statement…add pinch of salt here) that reject and frown upon having certain people be it handicapped, kids from the rough estate area, jobless, unsaved, smokers, drinkers, whatever afflictions have fallen upon them…I mean I’m guilty of it too!
I remember being in my church at home and wondering why a couple of kids came to the church youth group I went to. But I didn’t have a grasp on the love of Christ. Now I still struggle with these things but I suppose I understand the love of Christ more. Take the Passion of the Christ. A film that I think is full of brutal honesty.
I believe that film started us along the road of repairing some of the damage that the church and half-baked Christians have done to the name of our saviour.

I believe in radical thinking. I believe in dangerous thinking. Just typing that brings a smile to my face. I think it was last summer, I was reading Wild at Heart by John Eldridge, a book that I still haven’t managed to finish. One thing that my Great uncle asked me after picking up the book for a flick through was ‘Do you really think Jesus was a DANGEROUS man?’ This subject really excites me…I think Jesus was a dangerous man in an unconventional sense. His thinking was and does today bring danger to society. For it is a radical and unpaired thinking that can if lived out change the face of this planet. Jesus loved regardless.

Why do I believe in radical thinking? I suppose that ever since I have been a teenager…well even since a small child I’ve learnt that shocking people gets more attention. Well it did in my parents’ household. I shocked with swearing, tattoos, dare I say bad decisions. I mean…I’m sitting on this train with a t-shirt that says ‘Jesus Loves Porn Stars’. If I was sat next to Jesus would he approve of this t-shirt? Is this t-shirt projecting a misrepresentation of what I actually want to say? I don’t know…but I don’t think that people expect radical thinking. The Pharisees and Jews weren’t expecting the kind of thinking that Jesus came out with. Maybe that’s why they killed him. Because his teachings didn’t match up to the claims that they thought their messiah would make. Well no…they killed him because that was the destiny of Christ. To die for the sins of the world.

I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe in the power of God. I believe in the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I believe in speaking in tongues. I believe in praying in tongues. I believe in God’s healing power. I believe in prophecy and visions appointed by God.
As controversial as I may be I also believe in the devil. I believe that he longs for nothing more than the destruction of Gods kingdom. And I believe in the ongoing battle that we face as soldiers of Christ. As Christians.

I believe in heaven. I believe that one day I shall come face to face with my heavenly father and then and only then shall I be truly home. Some roam the face of this planet in search of a home. But this is our home…for now. Until I get called up to be with God, I shall do my best to bring the glory of God to this earth. To the people that do not know him.

Do I travel and do this? Do I do this by staying in Guildford or moving to Exeter or to Australia?
Who knows?…only God. Which I must say I find truly exciting.

Cut n Paste

Man alive (that’s my new favourite phrase!!).
So I just finished watching todays episode of what has to be one of the best tv programmes in the world - ED.
The story is of a late 20 something lawyer who was jilted at the alter who returned to his small time suburban home called Stuckeyville. The programme documents the up and down relationship between Ed Stevens and local hotty teacher Carol Vessy.
So lately Carol got jilted at the alter by her hubby to be…whos name I can’t remember. But the thing that struck me about todays episode what the ending. It’s been going on for a long time…him chasing her and her turning his advances down. Deep down her not thinking that she is worthy of his out of place romantic gestures…So…women. What’s the score?
As a young gentleman…do I bother pursuing a female that I have taken a liking to by showing affection through gestures such as flowers, dinners etc etc.
I honestly don’t know. Because everything you do as a man pursuing a woman there has to be commitment behind the gesture doesn’t there? Is that the way it has always been? So if I wanted to just make a nice gesture to someone I do admittedly like by sending some flowers welcoming her into her new home…is that wrong?

So on other topics, I’ve been spending the last couple of days in Shrewsbury with my sister and have been trying to get a little bit of work done on my dissertation. I hopped on a train from Guildford to Reading to Wolverhampton then bus from Wolverhampton to here at Shrewsbury. And on the bus journey I was blessed enough to witness the sun poking through the clouds. It was one of those moments when you look out at the scenery and just wonder how people can think that this world was born out of sheer chance. I just happened to be listening to Sigur Ros - one of those bands that I told myself I would not get into because of the underground fuss that buzzed around them. But I tell you what. That music accompanied by scenes as beautiful as those I bore witness to is awesome. I was thinking…’when God made the earth I bet he had this album blasting out in the background’.
Israel and New Breed has been filling my head…phenominally phat worhsip sounds.

Amendment

I was just thinking about something i put in my 21 facts...heres one to replace the one where i said i secretly am not that good...here it is...

I'm better than i give myself credit for.

Hazaaah!!

So today i fnally got my passport through the post. I can finally go travelling and go out on a friday night!! After a year of being stuck in my room i can finally get out and live a little...and live. Now i have to finish this degree and get through life.

God bless life...even though things can get a bit warped.

I sent someone some flowers...she wasn't too receptive...maybe it just freaked her out a bit. Women are one entity that i do not understand.
I pray that one day i shall understand and land me an absolute diamond. God bless family and doing life the right way

21 facts

I saw this on a couple of other peoples blogs...I was 21 in february and never did it...maybe you'll learn something

I've made some big mistakes that i wish i hadn't made

i'm secretly naive and insecure.

i don't know what i want to run away from.

i have the highest respect for my parents and the sacrifices they have made for me and my sisters. I hope that i can be half the parent mine have been to me.

i think i sweat too much.

i shaved my armpits last summer in the hope that i wouldn't sweat so much...it didn't work.

i'm not that good on the bass.

i put 4 different tattoos on my body in the hope that i would find a new and deeper sense of identity. No i have that identity but it came from christ.

i long to sing.

i check my myspace page daily in the hope that a girl will have left a message telling me jut how hot she thinks i am.

one time when having an argument with an ex she said 'my parents were right about you...' i replied without thinking 'about what? how much of a F***ing C**t i am?'...

I regret my bitterness

i wish i had worked harder at my degree

the last cigarette i had was on saturday night

i'm afraid to lead to i always make sure i stay in the background

mumps was possibly one of the most painful and embarrassing experiences of my life

i was once put under citizens arrest by a local radio presenter for kicking a bin on the beach

jumping into the sea pretty much fully clothed was possibly the most liberating experiences i ever embarked on

i had the top of my left ear pierced but had to take it out 5 days later because it hurt so much...my ear began to stick out at a right angle.

i never got romance because i never thought i had it in me

im scared of my teeth falling out

...i once had a mohawk...and my parents hated it...they were so'dissapointed' in me. HAHA

White Trash

So...today i bought a trucker cap...I look so country bumpkin with it...am i surprised?
Here's some stuff from todays journal entry:
'What am i believing God is going to do in my life? What do i believe about god? God is love?
I was chatting to my manager at work yesterday after popping into Thomas Cook and enquiring about some flights to Australia - £700. In all honesty, i don't see any way that i can physcally pull that amount of money together. Andif i say that i'm believing that god will pull through then i'd be lying. i dont believe in miracles. i dont believe in me. i dont believe in my life. but if i dont believe in any of that then what is there to have faith in? if i dont trust my heavenly father to pull through on a job, woman, £700 to go to australia then what is the point of existense?
We exist to believe! i exist to believe. is there life in blood? is there life in me? if faith is the basis od existense then without faith are we the walking dead?'

...god if you're reading this...talk to me and help me through this dark tunnel.
I love god. I love christ.
But i don't know how to trust. i lost the ability to trust.
I want it back.

Troublesome...something

Just watching TV before I get out to work...and there's an advert for the Renault Clio on...the woman in that advert is the epitome of the word 'sexy'...rediculously amazing girl...marry me.

I wish.

The Rising Wounded

I'm back in a bit of a needy place.

It's like this.

Since August 2004 I've been single. Before I came to Guildford I was a player.
Instead of being a christian I went and got my affirmation from girls and sketchy situations instead of God.
And the last two years i've not learnt that God is the affirmation that is burning away inside me. It's like this...I'll cruise around myspace or faceparty or some other internet based profile thing...and just be like...trying to get compliments out of people.

I don;t know. Perhaps i should just be confident enough with the knowledge that christ sent his son to die on a cross so that i may have a path to the father.
But...i just feel...unloved.
I wish there was such a thing as a great romance.

Watch the time

Honesty never felt so hard. Waiting makes things better but isn't any easier...God show me the path through.

I heart the sunrise

Thirsty

I'm stuck.
I have this piggin dissertation to get through and it's the hardest thing to start I've ever had to do. I think that there's enough in my head but I just don't know how to start.
I've been reading a little book by Joyce Meyer and it's abut just waiting on God and about putting everything that we have to deal with in God's hands.
I can't do this final modules work without the help and hand of my God.

So i'm watching Big Brother...SHAME ON ME!...I have two things to say...Imogen is hot...and WHAT ONE EARTH IS THAT WELSH BOY DOING WITH THAT LEA WOMAN?!

(I can't get Define the great line - Underoath off...that album is BIG)

Why didn't i think of this before?

Thanks jen.

Think about it...then do it.

AIN

Yes you guessed it. It's 2340 on wednesday night and I have decided that i have something incredibly profound to say. So i'm gonna say it...even though no-one reads this. At least this way i feel like i'm doing some journal writing.
I've been spending the last 10 minutes pacing around my house trying to prepare something of remote spiritual depth in my mind. But i can;t find anything.
I just can't get my head around prayer at the moment. I went to a bible college style meeting at church sunday night at the Electric Theatre in Guildford... and there was one concept about prayer that came up that stuck in my head a bit.
When we pray, sometimes...well in fact alot of the time we pray things that we think god wants to hear. When in fact when we pray with honesty then god is getting all of us. In a way - we are bearing our hearts on our sleeves to god.
When was the last time i didn't pull any punches in prayer?
I don't believe in just shouting at god...but like just praying with complete honesty.

God i pray that i can be all that you made me to be.

What are your coping mechanisms?

Do you think that id you changed your coping mechanisms to be more god focussed that life as it happens would be alot simpler?

Like one of the things i do is over analyse stuff...i try and find meaning in the smallest of things...like girls...when you send a text and you put an x at the end...to me it may well mean something...because in the traditional sense i spose its like a kiss...
I dunno
I'm waffling. I'm just gonna watch dodge ball and anchorman and get up with my quotes.
Bless y'all

Lido-core

God bless podcasts, family guy and contact lenses.
So the summer is blatantly here. The time when all the young boys and girls flash their scantily clad bodies in the desperate hope that they can attract someone for a few moments of sexual interest.
I spose it's the 70's fault with all the sexual liberation malarky.
I discovered the beauty of podcasts which has opened a whole new world up to me. Gotta get into that!
I got a trip to the lido planned tomorrow before gospel choir and after I've done some dissertation business.
More diving practise in the big fat pool! Love it.
Gonna get my tan goin and flash my poor physique.
God bless y'all

The way forward

God bless the picture phone, the summer and the sunset.
Lord help me to be the man you designed me to be.

postit blog

Eat Sleep Drink Yearn

Have you ever found something that you held so very dear to your heart and tried to share it with people?
At first people are sceptical of the treasures that you have unearthed but once your interest is diverted someone rushes in and tries to make it their own...i just don't comprehend people sometimes.
I'm sure friends never mean to hurt each other...but maybe not being completely honest with others is the key to being hurt. I haven't been honest. And now I kinda hurt..likes the taste of bile at the back of my throat. You say one thing but you mean another. Because really things are a big deal. People are a big deal.
Why do i constantly reach for the unreachable? Because without a challenge life would be as dull as dishwater. But why is romance such a challenge? Why do I come down on myself so hard? Old habits die hard. Old esteem dies hard. Old feelings die hard.
Yet the world keeps on turning.

Like it's that easy

I just noticed that on this blog machine theres a button that says 'create'. As if my a small movement of ones finger you can create . What can you create? What could you create if life included a create button.
God bless perspective.

Imagine that you were a song but no-one would sing you. Imagine that you were a song stuck deep inside the soul of a man waiting to burst out and breathe life into people through whatever form your creator gave you.
God bless perspective.

Imagine that in life you get all that you want when you want it and how you want it. Would you be satisfied? Would you learn anything? Would you ultimately become a better person for the journey?
God bless perspective.

Every Man's Battle

Jonah suffered for it. Pride. As a reluctant preacher he didn't want to communicate the existence of God to them because of the way they were living.
God gave Jonah a purpose to preach to the Assyrian city of Ninevah.
Basically. I can't be bothered with destructive pride.
I want a home.

Get out of jail free

That card doesn't exist. It is just another farse in this illusion of life. You can run from a conviction but you'll never be free of it. ou can bury a skeleton in the back garden but weathering of time will expose for all to see.
I'm fed up with conviction. There are things that need to be dealt with. And if these things go undealt with then life gets awkward.
I hate confrontation. I hate my human pride. Swallowing your human pride and humbling yourself to confront something that needs dealing with is damned hard. It's the worst thing ever.
But it has to be done though doesn't it! To become more manly then i spose we gotta face these things. Jesus never ran from confrontation. Jesus never rejected.
Sort it ou Dan.

Mini I AM

First of all...as naff as it sounds - I believe I can fly...what a tune! But only when it's done live by Yolanda Adams. I have this live recording that i bought off itunes...AWESOME stuff.

I watched Napoleon Dynamite last night with some cronies at my gaff. I expect I've already put this down somewhere but when i watched it I was struck by a great sense of empathy for the Uncle Rico character who is desperate to go back in time and change some things about his life and alter the way things turned out by living out his dreams. I don't want to be Uncle Rico. & I wont be.

When someone falls in love with you on the premise of what you look like in a photo is that real love?

Since an inspired discussion with some people from my church I've been giving the whole 'what do i want in a wife' thing a tbit of thought. And you know what...i have absolutely no idea what i want in a wife! When the right one comes along you always know. But then again...maybe I am going to go through life without a mate until i actually know what i want? No i don;t believe that. I've heard far too many stories of people who have said 'i don't want any involvement with men/women (applicable to respective genders)' and actually ended up rather soon after that statement meeting their spouse and shacking up! But i don't wanna make a decision kinda half looking over my shoulder expecting something.
Thats not how God works.
God is never early, he is never late...he is always bang on time. That can be frustrating sometimes. But in retrospective it's so much better for us as people. As individuals doing life.

Clearing the air with a friend is always a good thing. Makes life easier.

Listen to the Cinematic Orchestra - Man With a Movie Camera...amazing album.

Dymo

Right. I work in a christian bookshop. I wont say which one but if you know me and where i live then im sure youre able to put 2 and 2 together.
What really hacks me off about christian music is that no-one wants to do anything different. Everyone is just reinventing the same old stuff. But I say let us not be different for the sake of being different but pioneer a whole new movement! Pioneer a whole new musical sound of music be it for worship or whatever. But PLEASE someone help to take music somewhere new because I fear for the generations of christians to come with the current state of christian music.

(At work blatantly being lazy)

Slowly Surely

I wanna quit my job and play bass.

Broken post

So i stubbed my toe at work today and think i broke it. so i took a trip to the hospital with my housemates...was kinda like a gang outing. So i gotta rest it for the next week and not do too much exercise..shouldn't be too hard.
I'm listening to the cinematic orchestra at the mo which is quite cool actually. didn't think i'd enjoy it that much but its good fun....
need to go to bed...tired and fat.
god bless xx

recovery positional breathing

one thing i've realised...i need to love myself and bear in mind that god loves me so much that he gave christ...you seen the passion?...that was for me...and for you...that just dwarves all my issues...gods love is bigger than anyone, anything, and any force...besides god

You look just like your father

I got a message on my land line no. from someone called claire wishing me a happy easter...I don't know anyone called claire who would have my land line no.
If it was you raise your hand.

What am i doing? I need to be getting my butt in gear with this dissertation...i feel like i'm finished though. I feel like the degree is over and i can get on with life...but i'm not so i need to get my stuff together.

Get your act together boy.

Silence

It's so funny...one of the biggest cliches ever - silence is so loud. You wait in anticipation for something...like a thunderbolt or an answer and the surrounding silence just screams like a juvenile that misses a parent.
Stories. Thats what life is. That's how you learn most effectively i think. When you look through the bible, all that jesus tells us is in the form of story. It's what captivates peoples imaginations and just...
I'm staring at my bookshelf and there are loads of books that i don't need. Sure there are theres things in there that i may find intersting and that might teach me a thing or two. But you don't learn from reading...you learn from the application of ideas to situations.
What can i apply to my life...what do i need to apply to my life?

You know what i think? I think that too many people are going through the world disappointed.

If we spend a few minutes in silence each day gathering thoughts and thinking objectively about life then maybe we would be collectively happier?

(Listening to Norma Jean)

The beginners challenge

Where am i today? Where do i feel like being? do i feel like making a mountain from a molehill or do i feel like being realistic or even pesimistic...truth be told i don't know.
I'm quite excited about going to see Israel and New Breed tonight in london and catching up with a friend.
My life is in my hands. And if i dare to dream then who's to say that the dreams i dream to dream really will come true? (HAHA!!)
If you've spent more than an evening with me or counselled me til the late hours of the morning then you'll know that all i need from time to time is perspective. Thank God for healing.
Thank God for the healing that he brings through the power of the holy spirit.
At least if i was screwed up over it I'm not anymore because of the magic thing that is prayer.
(listening to jill scott when im at work...baaaad)()

Edit Moderation

by going for something in life that you don;t want to do - failing is not disappointment. but attempting to reach your dreams and really going for them comes with what may seem to be a higher risk and sense of anticipation.

Don't be afraid of taking a risk. Greater satisfaction will come from at least attempting your dreams than getting through life having never looked upon them as a viable option.

Why should the fire die?

My sister and brother in law are going to Australia for a year in a few days....it's daunting.
This marks the beginning of a new era. Dan, God and the World....Amazing how much difference one phone call can make. The last few days i've been stuck in a lull...no the last 10-14 days. I've felt sleepy and like...real down...but when you world strikes you down you get back up and you fight. You fight til your knuckles go white from clenching them as fists. I want to defend the desires of my heart and plans that god has made for me from the disruption of sex drugs and drink.
I want to enter this world and...just do what i'm meant to...so i gotta try different things...otheriwse if i don't try how will i know what i'm sposed and not sposed to do?
This is it. This is the start. The start of the rest of my life. And maybe the beginning of an amazing journey...where will it go? I don't know...and to all intents and purposes...i don;t care. As long as I'm living something then i will hoipefully be able to discern whats right for me and what's not.

(Check out Nickel Creek)

Beauty killed the beast

Yes I watched King Kong...who do i contact in regards to getting the last 3 hours of my life back?!
Sure the blonde chick was hot...but the film had pretty much NO substance to it. People go to island insearch of film-making opportunity then find kong. beauty falls in love with the beast. but the film sucks. Life is not happily ever after. life involves struggles that we don't see on film. hollywood is one big farse and i'm growing tired of it. where's the truth? where is the honesty in the media and in the world?
Give us a well tuned and gritty honest break!

i just can?t seem to get past it

Power and purpose

I'm desperatly searching. I'm searching for something to fill the void within. By searching I'm reverting to old ways - old mindsets that I thought and hoped I had left behind.
I don't have the self confidence i should as a christian. I'm searching for personal affirmation and I don't know where to find it. Underneath the cool calm exterior lies a cracked, fragile child longing for a companion.
God should be all of this. I should allow God to be all these things to me and until i do i don't think that i'll find what i'm looking for.
God let my affirmation come from you. Let who i am not be based on the friends i keep or the social circles i move in, but in the blood of the risen king, my christ.
God be my purpose.
i hate this. it happens alot to me. maybe its the attack that i get. god protect me and guard and affirm me with your loving hand

Living Next Door to Malice

1. Neighbours episode titles provide amazing blog post titles
2. ...Home is great...but in small doses.

Thig change. People change. Friendships and relationships change.
I've been on the isle of wight for a few days and the rest has been well recieved. Sleeping til 10 in the morning has been truly amazing.
I went to a little place called Libertys on Union Street and had a hot choc and did the journal thing.
There are so many memories here. Places, smells (not good ones...flippin raw sewage). I've been contemplating coming home to study next term...and ive almost definatly decided against it. It'll be good next term as ill be able to travel and come home more.
These days have felt quite like limbo. Life hasn't really gone anywhere.
Weekend soon...sorry for a break from the profound.

(lestening to israel & new breed)

Easyvision

God i pray that you would help me to see straight. and not get caught up with myself. Thats all i seem to do...is wrap spiderwebs around myself all the time...i have the power to break out from them but i keep spinning them around me.
I don;t want to be a self fulfilling prophecy. I want to break tradition. I want to break curses. I want to reach out from under this self imposed rock and grab hold of the fresh green grass and roll around in the warm moist meadow in the warmth of the sun. I want to stand at the edge of a cliff and scream with every ounce of my body with the frustration that builds up from no-where, i want to run into the sea...I WANT GOD...every fibre in my body is yelling out for its creator...I want to yell out to my creator...I want to commune with God on the highest level.
Father, show me the desires and dreams of my heart.
Help me to rest.
In your name i pray

One Thing

Do you think God cares abot grammar?

Hold on a minute...let me just gather my thoughts

As my good friend DC has told me many a time...University is an awfully strange time for people. You have a new home but it's not really your home because you're never that 100% settled because where you live is where you study. And I'm just coming to the end of that I spose. I just finished the penultimate term of my degree and it feels like now is the end and i just have this overwhelming feeling of uncertainty over my future. I'm searching for the security and certainty of life that society tells us we need. So much of society is based on sex and as a christian im a no-sex-before-marriage-er i feel like we have engrained in us that we have to have a partner and someone to be complete. But because as a christian i don't go down that particular path of life it's almost as if society is screaming at me that i'm incomplete, that i should be in a relationship going somewhere.
But I, Daniel Charles Geroge Barrett, am not in a relationship find myself pining for this feeling that will fill the gap that society tells me there is in my life...*BREEEATHE*...and I realise that...hold on...i need to figure this out...


I can't stop my life from moving into places that god wants me to go because i'm afraid of missing out on something because then i may well be missing out on the very thing that i'm searching for... :-| ...


So what can I do?... first and foremost i thnk i have to figure out what my dreams are. What have i always dreamt of doing? I think that i need to pray about these things and write them down otherwise i'm afraid that i'll end up having a life where i am in full time regret. And i dont want to live a life of regret...i want to live a life where i can say that i didn't miss out on any of lifes opportunities by not being in the right place at the right time.
So what does this mean?...Prayer i suppose. I feel that only through prayer will i realise the true desires of my heart. So i guess i gotta pray and fast and fast and pray. Thing is that fasting isn't really voluntary at the moment! HA!

Anyway...I'm gonna get back to work. Looking forward to sleep!
Dx
(listening to Israel and New Breed Album - Real)

An Affair to Dismember

Stuborness. Not cool. I'm just watching neighbours and it's the whole stef story line with her cancer and not wanting treatment because she's pregnant. It maddens me to see the stubborness of this woman who won't listen to those around her. I can't understand women. They seem to have a bond with kids that men can only build through time.
I kinda half feel mad because this woman won't listen.
After a long absense from here due to having to finish coursework, it's good to be back.
I feel frustrated. I feel annoyed at something and i can't quite figure it out. It's like i can't understand life. We're not supposed to understand life though are we? But I also feel quite disconnected from the world. It's important that as christians we stay connected with each other and since i've had my head buried in my computer and books for the end of term essays etc. But i feel well drained.
There are things that i wish i could figure out. At the moment i just feel like i want to get to the end of this degree as soon as possible. I just want to get on with my life. I feel like i want to be at home. Not as is go back to the Isle of Wight for a long time but i wanna be in a house or in a place where i feel at home.
What is home? Where is home? Why don't i feel as if i'm there?
It's going to take me a few weeks to get over this whole debacle i think.
Lots of rest and sleep and connecting back in and i'm sure everything will be right as rain.

The masterful feats of the Zorroman

What is it about human nature that makes us guys want to be the heros and the girls want to be the rescueees? Is it that God has programmed us this way? I'm just sitting on my housemates laptop tapping out these thoughts...and it's dumbfounding that in modern society this hero stance that we seem to have so ingrained in our hearts has been drummed out because women want the modern man. Women have mucked things up.
They want the sensitivity but they also want the hero stuff. How does such fundamental instincts such as the hero gene get drummed out of us? I think about it and I don't understand it. I don;t understand what women want. They want a hero with a heart...is there such a thing?
So i conclude with a little prayer....
God, give me the courage to be a hero.
Give the boldness to step out of the way and fight.
Amen


(Listening to the oohs and aaahs of housemates watching a Zorro sequel...ooh the thrills)

You knew what this was

Some observations:
- Dreams come and go.
- Music is the soundtrack to our life...just like in hollywood.

And the hollywood thing annoys me. The other day I was walking along the river into Guildford with my ipod gadget listening to Eva Cassidy which is just beautiful. It was a beautiful day aswell which made it worse!! It's like i wanted this walk to be seen by other people...like you see the main character in these scenes and they're pivotal moments in the film that youre enduring. But... it wasn't...and that annoyed me i spose.
I've been taught by hollywood that dreams come true...and I'm learning that they don't as we have been shown...and it pisses me off.
But unlike in hollywood as a christian i see dreams that got puts in the heart of man come true in so much more a satisfying nature. Marriages last, familys work, love lasts. But why?
One thing that seems to be prominent in christian life is that when we do things in our own strength they dont last.
It's like the trinity. Things work in 3's.

God blesses us whatever we do.

Lord bless me in what i do.

(listening to far-less and my gospel choir rehearsals)

I like things to be the same length

So i realise that the last post tht i did about bloggers and indeed my own arrogance was a bit harsh. And I apologise to those who read it.
There was something that was on my mind yesterday as I was cooking my dinner...a good friend of mine has an album of songs called adventures in lofi - a collection of unfinished songs.
And it ocurred to me...is there ever such a thing as an finished work or piece of art? For example...a painting isn't called a work of art until its finished and can be appreciated in its fulness. A song isn't called finished until its finished...until then its a group of ideas...ideas of verses, choruses etc.
So then I ask...what therefore is life? A collection of verses, choruses and brush strokes? Phillipians 1 v 6 says 'And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.'
What can be taken from this? I suppose that life is a series of brush strokes and as the painter and grand designer, God chooses where and when things go and they are masterful strokes.
One thing that came up in church a couple of weeks ago when we had a guest speaker in from Bath was that God is never early nor late, but ALWAYS on time.
One thing that I as a christian need to do is trust that God will come through with impeccable timing...it works. But our modern culture has turned us into a generation and people that want things when we demand them. I'm certainly guilty of it. We all however have the opportunity to trust God with each day in both small and large things.
Trust is hard to give but easy to recieve.
D x

This whole blogging thing

I think it's quite funny that by doing a blog and by publicly posting your inner most thoughts you are therefore in turn putting a high value on what goes on in your own head. So because of this would it be fair to say that millions of people across the world are day by day becoming increasingly more arrogant with the growing confidence in the importance of their own words and knowledge?
Maybe I'm being over analytical.... :-
What's going on today? I just want to ask one question. Whay are we constantly trying to be like other people in our deeds? Granted we need to be Christ like in all that we do as Christians. But in terms of musical writing styling or novel writing or comedians everyone is a combination of predecessors. I spose that as an artist or creative individual your work will almost always be compared and placed next to the work of others that have gone before you. But why is it that critics feel the need to pigeonhole everyone? Is it because of our modern culture? Do we as consumers need the comfort and knowledge that what we are listening to or indulging ourselves in is an extension of our current culture or base of operations creatively? (what a mouthful!)

So I therefore challenge any artists including myself who are reading this or just passing through to set out to do the following: Not to re-write history with what you do - but to indeed WRITE history.

You don't go to your friends 'Oh you're exactly like Paul fromthe Bible' or 'You're character traits are reminiscent of Esther crossed with John the Baptist'. So why paint artists and aswell individuals with the genre brush.
How can this effect our personal lives? Christian or not I suppose my only answer would be that we must instead of modelling ourselves on the individuals in newspapers or magazines we must model ourselves on Christ. Old news isn;t it.
Just goes to show that I am re-writing this stance of critical thinking.
Argh philosophy sucks.

D x

(listening to Pat Metheny)

weary eyed

It's 7.53 in the am in cloudy Guildford, Surrey. I'm just sitting at my desk listening to the latest Hillsong United album.
I seem to be in a place where I'm questioning everything that christianity is about socially. Like the method and way that we worship in church. Why do we have to follow a set pattern of how ever many praise songs followed by however many worship songs and make sure that we have our connection with God in the time set out for us? Why can't we be in church for 4 hours in the morning and just wait for Gods Spirit to fall on the place and do its thing?
Obviously there are the evident time restrictions that some churches may have with buildings and such. But why are things done the way are done ONLY because that's how they've always been done? (If that makes sense....) Would it be so bad if we were to take church as we are told we should have it, take the spiritual elements that God tells us we should have and then ruffle some feathers?
I suppose it's not something that can change immediatly by just waking up one morning and deciding 'Right lets turn how we do church on it's head!'. Because of the nature of people something like this needs to be done over a prolonged period of time. That's why God gives visions to people and changes hearts and attitudes in an instant i spose. So that these people can deliver new visions and light up new passions.
I don't know...I'm just rambling.
I have to go play at church now.
God bless

I am SOO pomo

Well, I'm finally here on the post-modernism boat grasping at my 15 minutes of fame of the great stage of the world wide web.
What do I do with this thing? Advertise the various works I do, use it to write down pieces of wisdom from my journal?...I think I'll do the latter.
so that will make everything short and sweet.

The Role of God.
How to christians see God? I think that it's possible for many of us to believe whether a christian or not that God is an accessory. Someone that will when asked for something deliver at the click of a finger *click*.
My revelation from today? God is not a baby sitter. He doesn't run around the house getting everything for you and won't chase you up to bed when you're wasting time playing on the playstation. No.
God is a father. A father that gives opportunity to his sons and daughters. A father that gives the necessary tools to his children and watches with joy when they succeed in the tasks that they set out on. God will go ahead and prepare the way for us. But he isn;t going to make the journey.
That is up to us.

How is this applicable?...I'll get back to you on that one.