Joseph

So i sat down at this one wanting to just write without stopping and without thinking. But then someone came round to drop off my amp from borrowing it.

I went to a wedding this weekend...the wedding of James Earley. It was quite funny because i was pretending to be a trainee BA pilot for the day and there were a couple of girls on our table who bought it hook line and sinker.
The photo on what i hope is the right of this text was the view as the sun set.
I enjoyed having a bit of wine and having some fun.
But weddings are i think quite a sinister animal and let me explain to you why that is.
The service is all celebration. you sing some songs you applaud you shed tears of joy and you take some photos. Then you have the reception you mingle you start drinking...then you eat. And that was when the great big ugly beast reared it's head.
I was like...I want to make a speach.
Not becaase i love being the centre of attention - that aside..i want to be the one with a best man with everyone looking at me and my missus thinking...'god got this one right'.
As i said to a good friend on the day 'weddings are great until you have the terrible moment of realisation of "sh*t! I'm nowhere as near to any of this than i first thought! infact i'm even furhter away from any of this than i thought!"'

There was another dear friend of mine who was being pursued by 3 women on the day and he said about one of them last night (this is what a friend's girlfriend who was at the wedding said) "when a girl who has the attention of an attractive, popular guy sees him entertaining the thought of another girl then she gets a bit jealous even though she doesn;t want the guy herself per se".
And i was just thinking...my good friend whom i love as my very own brother, has alot of things playing in his favour. He is a popular guy with female options.

And then a question popped into my head. 'What have I got?'

What HAVE I got? Ok so it was a wedding and that was it...but i don't think i have anything.

You know what this is really about. This is about kissing dating goodbye. Well no this isnt about some uppity book that is full of Americanisms...this is about me drawing my affirmation and sense of worth from who i am through Christ.
I don't want marriage yet. I want the affirmation. The sense of self-worth that being in a relationship, a member of the opposite provides.
Where did I lose it?...If someone sees it can they post it to me?

I feel a distinct urge for God to crash into my life like a big tonne of bricks. I want God to reshape the brick wall that is my faith (if you haven't read Velvet Elvis then I suggest you do...I just bought the audio book off itunes cuz i cant be bothered to read it...aaah god bless the future)

At church yesterday I sat all the way through a very challenging sermon just staring straight ahead thinking 'this doesnt apply to me - i don;t have to listen to you'...i heckled a bit and i chipped in with a humourous comment...well what i thought was humourous...and then tuned out instantaneously.
Then God got me.
I cried. I sobbed. And God said to be 'I want you to dream - you CAN dream'

I've struggled with issues of disappointment of not trying to do something because of the fear of failure. And I haven;t let myself dream because I'm sh*t scared that my dreams will not materialise.
But like in every good action hero story You have to try.

Man now I'm fired up.
I wanna be a hero now. I want to go and change the whole world!!

But one step at a time. First i have to get through the end of this degree and get into the wide world.
Then we'll see what happens.

Have you ever been so excited by the sights of creation that you just wanted to scream?
There are sights in creation that excite me...like a sunset...like the sun poking through the clouds mid afternoon... like a sunRISE...like the stars on a clear warm night.
God did all of these things so he could wow us...life is one big romance.

I want in.