Musings of someone with nothing to do

This is an entry from my journal:

The beach is a place of discovery. It's a place where kids learn all about boundaries and the power of the earth. Children stand at the edge of the tide ankle deep clutching their parents hand, staring into the depths of what could be.
Sandcastles are an early artistic expression. It's almost like they're building their first home. They learn about foundations - that unless you build on something solid, what you have made gets washed away.
Parents are security, shelter, money, warmth, provision.
It's almost as though the beach is a place of tuition, exploration, freedom.

Where did I go wrong?

Are there opportunities that I'm going to wish I took? I don;t want to wish I'd travelled, played, written and loved more. I want to do as much of these things as I can while I'm young.

The beach is also a great place of recollection. Elderly couples who have seen wars, fought battles and experienced death walk along the prominade. While the young are windswept, cold and wet, the older are well prepared and always, always dry.

The sought after existence of a kite is over-rated. Everyone longs to fly wildly in the wind but as a kite you are forever at the mercy of your pilot rooted on the ground.
I remember flying my kite. Many a time i would let the diamond go to the full length of the wire and struggle to hold on. But I do remember thinking about setting the kite free.

Setting the kite free.

To fly it's own path.

To navigate the winds as it chose.

To fly as a bird.

Where did I go wrong? When did my innocence turn to ignorance instead of wisdom? When did a full piggy bank cease being important and the courtship of possessions begin to take it's place?

When did I stop having fun?

Not all nuns will get into heaven

So I'm back on the Isle of Wight ... no wait s***e. Ha.
And I tell you what - when I get back here, I get all conservative and I just naturally invert to my tortoise shell and I become someone whom I barely recognise.

Like on the boat ride over the Solent I was listening to Man with a Movie Camera by the Cinematic Orchestra. And in my have power-nap state I was just making a film in my head. Like the track entitled Dawn...just paints to many pictures...I was just seeing a Snowman-esque scene...starts off in normal camer footage of a young adult male and female in a field with waist height grasses blowing in the wind...and the couple lying at the top of a hill in the grass just laughing. The guy has placed a broken piece of the grass in his mouth in an attempt to immasculate himself - to say - 'out here I'm a real man'.

The next track...I dunno...like the scene turns into animation...like the scrappy animation of the Snowman...you know the 'walking on the air malarky'. And Its a dark starry night and the boy and girl are dancing in the grass...just...like...they're expression of their love is more than any words can say...this is a dance that can't be described by words...the animation is the only thing that does it justice...the rough edges the untimely frames...in undignified but more beautiful than you could ever imagine. And this goes on for hours. Tirelessly the couple express, display and perspire throughout the evening beneath the blurrly stars. It's a beautiful scene...if only you could see it.

Then there's the walk home...but that's for another day.

Looks can be decieving.

Confidence is a barrier. Smiles hide broken hearts. Scars tell a thousand tales. Feet walk a thousand miles.
Bibles are read countless times but still we can't make head nor tail of it.

Maybe this philosophers hat doesn;t suit me...but for now...I like it.

Je suis creative.

Bon.

h x

So I just got back from soul survivor - in one way one of the most unsettling environments to be in as an insecure single christian. Members of the opposite sex are parading themselves araound and because it's a christian environment pretty much everyone without a wedding ring on is eligable!! hahaha
But at the same hideously awkward time everyone is completely ineligable cuz unless you fall stupidly in love in the space of 5 days then you know it's not really gonna happen.

Watching people fall in love is an awesome thing. It's like watching the transition of seasons. Sitting in the porch of my tent I noticed many a time this week that there were a growing amount of crispy crimson c...(ok end of illiteration)leaves. And it's like this...everything around us even us in our hearts and spirits are always in transition.
Even when we feel as though we have been waiting at a red light for what may have been days months or even years!

I'm in transition.

I'm learning what it is to find affirmation and approval in God instead of searching for it in the world.

The things God does for us day by day are just unfathomable. Like - the stars at night, the sun in the morning, the sun at night, a dragonflys flight pattern... This whole planet is one big romantic gift from God to his people...and I;m loving it.

Look at the picture at the top in this entry. It's name is 'This is what I was made to do'.

We were made to be part of a great romance between us and our heavenly father.

Plug in.

I'm not on my own computer. I'm on my housemates laptop. On the system bar or whatever you call it on a mac it says next to the battery display icon - 99%.
In the last few minutes in which I've been sitting here it's stayed at 99%.
When do we ever get to 100%?
When will we evver feel as though we aren't burnt out?

I'm off to Soul Survivor to play and seek God. You know what? I have no idea what I want to get from this week. It's like the mindset of a christian is to constantly want an impartation from God. Like all the time we want to hear some life changing word from God be it confirmation or revelation of some bigg thing.

But you know what?

I don;t want anymore impartation, Shall I tell you what I want? I want to get rid of some stuff for once. I want to iron out some creases instead of adding to the ruffles in the crisp white shirt of my life...ya know what I mean?
Since finishing I haven;t really had the chance to stop, look and listen to what;s going on around e and in a way that disturbs me.
I want to wind down. This year will be good for me I think. It;s gonna be a time where I can find out who I am again instead of chasing deadlines and being squashed by the pressure of a degree and wondering what is in store in the docu-soap that is life.

There once was a young man named Horace,
Who wished dearly his name was Boris.
How he loved to run
From the things he had done,
..............................................

I was never any good at finishing things. Let;s hope one day I can finish a task to the best of my ability and be happy and content with what I;ve done,
Now I;m speaking in riddles...I probably should have kept my drunken entry from last night...

Telling someone you read their blog whom you hardly know...what a f**king idiot.
HAHAHA

..........................To be continued

50 things women really want to hear

I'm not gonna reel off 50 things that I think women want to hear. Its just that I take random titles from the things I can see when I write an entry to this thing.

So I've been thinking - what is the key to winning a girls heart...I suppose more importantly what is the key to DISCOVERING Gods heart?

Is it flowers and chocolates?

Is it heroism?

Is it valiance?

Is it confidence?

Is it boldness?

The holy spirit is the one that will guide me to my heavenly father's heart. And I think that besides God the only other mystery that lies on God's green planet is the inner workings of a womans heart.

(As Cities Burn - Worshipcore)

Bowling 100

Today I did these things in this order:
Woke up
Went to church
Went for lunch in weatherspoons and had a lasagne al forno
Almost threw up from the crappy lasagne
Walked to the spectrum
Spent about 20 mintues sitting in the spectrum Burger King worrying about the impression I was going to make on the people I was about to meet.
Played a game of bowling
Got 2 strikes, a half strike, 100 points and 2nd place out of 6.
Was pleased that i didn;t look like a complete tit infront of some people that I'd never met.
Stood outside of the electric theatre waiting to get in for a bible study while the clouds began to gather and the weather deteriorated.
Wanted to go and stand in the pouring rain and scream til I was blue in the face.
Downloaded some Psalty and left a long answerphone message with as much of the butterfly song as would record.
Came home and prayed.
Decided to do a blog entry and listen to some D'Angelo (The soundtrack of my honeymoon HAHAHA)

So I handed all my coursework in like...last week. And I'm glad to get that damned degree over. Whether or not I pass is in the hands of God.
But I kinda feel like at the moment I'm going through a new birthing stage. The boy, the child that hid through my degree is making way for a whole new being....you ready?...check this...DAN THE MAN.

Yeah.

I've found myself...especially this evening talking about the Holy Spirit wanting to embrace the raw power of God in the form of the Thunder storm. I absolutely effing love em. The lighning flashes and thunder claps that make you jump, then you look to the skies in anticipation of capturing a golden electric flash.
I want to stand in the rain and scream with all that is within me. I am becoming ferral!!! or however it's spelt...
I want to be wild. I want to be untamed...I want to love with an untamed heart. I want to get lost in the wilderness and embracethe elements of the father, son and holy spirit.
Men are becoming feminine weirdos! We're getting so caught up in hair cuts and moisturiser and meercat scarves! I say NO!
Well actually... I say be well groomed and take care of appearance but don;t get too gay about it.
I want to rescue. I want to romance and choose and live the enchanted life that my father intended and so few find.
Life isn;t a box of chocolates.
Life is a book. A dusty hardback book with guilded pages and silky ribbon markers bound into the spine.
Life is broken into chapters. This the end of one and the beginning of another.

I'm all excited now.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline
2 Timothy 1v7

Baths and Sleeping bags

So its...8pm sunday. I need another bath. It's hot and seems as though its staying that way.
I finished my degree last week - handed everything in on wednesday and have been kinda kicking back since. I'm not sure how well i did everything but it's out of my hands now I spose.
I don't know what I want.

I don;t want to run away with myself again. I've done that too much. I just want to take a bit of time out and get my back sorted.

I played the last ever show with awkward silence last night at ryde theatre on the iow. I don;t think ive ever had so much fun.

It feels like a chapter of my life is now finished. My sister and her fella came down to see me and i said to them 'maybe after this evening you will understand a bit more about me from when i was a teenager'.
I kinda feel like i want to do something for those kids because dare i say it i dont think that any of the churches in the uk and the island are really doing anything that is relevant to these kids who are angry having sex getting pregnant and getting wasted all the time.

Maybe one day i'll find a purpose.
Maybe one day i'll know what im supposed to do on this planet.
Maybe one day i'll find god for real.