Saviour of the World

In a random way...I still live in Christian city. And it's giving me a headache...the books...they're a paragraph on their own.

So thus beginneth my rant.

Ok...this isn't a rant. This is a headache.

This is a tired 22 year old watching the last disc of season 5 of 24.

With countless books sprawled across his mess of a room marked 2, 3, or 4 chapters in. Some are even audaciously marked at chapter 10/14...but very very few actually finished.

Just what is it that I'm trying to achieve? What is it that I'm putting off from doing?

I have a job...I am a worship leader...I am a bass player...

What do I want to be? What do I want to become?

I understand that the whole thing is a journey yadda yadda yadda.

But you know what I kinda feel like I have another useless analogy for where I am in life...and for what is going on in my head. It's one that I'm sure you have seen and heard many a time.

So this weekend gone, my housemate and I decide on an impromptu road trip to the sweet sweet city of Paris.
We leave at 230am Saturday morning and drive to Dover...Hop on a Euro Tunnel train £98 lighter and sleep our way into Calais. We drive for an hour or so seducing the sun to rise sweetly as we carve our way south on the wrong side of the road.
So we stop, we have a coffee, we sleep, then we continue au droit into sweet Paris.

So some road, a couple of toll booths, and a big French stadium pass.

We walk 7 miles (approx) from car park to Eiffel Tower passing through Hindu districts and red light districts, stopping off at 'authentic' art dealers, a rustic cafe where our disability to speak or understand French becomes inherently clear.

SO...long story short.

We walk back another 7 miles to the car and attempt to drive out and find a public house that will serve us some chilled refreshments and allow us to watch the reason we drove (well Dave drove...I 'copiloted'...but that's another story) goodness knows how many hundreds of miles.

So we walk out of the pub post Rugby with our tails between our legs and blisters nagging away at our ankles.

And thus begins the avid search. For our way home. The road bearing the name A1...and thus turning into E15.
Sounds simple enough right?
You could NOT be more wrong.
We then seem to endure what seems to be roughly a 90 minute detour, frustrated exchanges of words debating what turnoffs we should or should not have taken, and the French Police. By God these guys don't like English tourists. Or tired English sportsfans who try and race through an 'amber' light. Last time we try that on the continent.

But it was all fine. We got on the A1 eventually and got back on the train, and slept...I think I owe it to Dave to make it known that I sacrificed the last change we had on a Cappuccino...for myself.
In my defence...Dave was having a quick kip...and my logic led me to believe that he would get sufficient restoration from 15 minutes of light napping...

Being tired can do that to you.

So all in all...a wonderful adventure I assure you - we both got back in time to play music at church and spent our Sunday afternoons on sofas sleeping the whole thing off.

My point.

Is that you know where you want to go. In your head. But your experience at your destination can be rushed, tiring, and can even give you blisters on your feet because you park the car an unusually far distance from where you actually want to go.
My focus is our journey out.
You see I would like to wager that had we stayed in a hostel somewhere and not tried to race back for Sunday morning then we wouldn;t have got lost. We wouldn't have taken the same detour along the A86 and A3 (there is one in Paris...imagine just how sweet it would've been if we had stumbled upon a teleportation road that took us straight back to Guildford...one can only dream...) and I know that I wouldn't have spent 2 hours of the journey punching Dave and asking him stupid questions in a last ditch effort to keep him awake.
Yes I saw a Petrol station on the way home...but I thought it would be funny to see what sleep deprivation did to the driver of a car obviously.

Though life can be likened to a journey somewhere or a road trip that we are all seemingly on, if we do not take the appropriate time out, we end up making rash decisions, the same mistakes repeatedly and we waste time. Time that could be spent elsewhere more effectively.

Does that make sense?

I think it will...and I know it's an analogy that has many times been explained.

The heart behind it is that I'm tired and I need to sleep it off. I need to recover. I need to take back the parts of my heart that have been chipped away over months of work and no rest.

And I do not think that it is ever a bad thing to do those things.

But it's just finding the time right?...


Ironic no?

x x

Bless this mess

I kinda don;t know what it is that I want to say this morning.
I woke sharply this morning after a good refreshing 8 hours sleep.

I just spent the last 56 minutes perched on my windowsill anticipating the rising of the sun. Finally figuring that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. That's the right way round isn't it?

I watched Garden State last night. Now..I'm no cinematography analyst but that film was not very good. I mean sure...it painted a wonderful picture of the boy who felt nothing because his grouch of a father put him on medication and sent him away...but I'm sorry...the whole thing was just quite nothingy.
I mean the bit where he kisses Natalie Portman? Not convinced.

I guess I am just still in a weird place.

I understand that alot of what I'm typing is just going to come across as cryptic nonsense and unless you know me that's what it will remain.

I'm confused by the presence of God. By what it is. By what ushers it into a place. Is it the heart of one man? The collective heart of many? Or is it the sound that rises up from a place?
I personally don;t think that God is moved by a sound. I don;t think that God cares about how polished something looks. He cares about the heart with which we bring what we have be it amazing or terrible.

Imagine this:

A 4 year old child arrives home at 1130am having spent the last 2 and a half hours in nursery. It gives mum a break while she nurses the newborn and dad is at the office paying the bills and keeping the roof over their heads.
Now the 4 year old comes home having spent a good hour of the morning painting a picture of the family. As 4 year olds go, this painting is going to be their impression of the family. It's their heart on canvas.
The child presents the picture to mum and what do you think her reaction will be?

'Oh sorry...You really think I'm going to put that anywhere on public display? That's hardly presentable for people to see. That's going straight into a drawer'

or

That's amazing! Who's that?...and how long did it take you? This is going straight up on the fridge you little artist.'

Ok so here's the point I guess I'm trying to get out.

Does God really give a damn about the quality of what we give? I think that yes, it is important to give our best to God, but not at the price of our hearts. If you sacrifice the heart behind something then it might as well not be done.
The reason I sing praise to God is because I love him. I pray and I pray and I pray that it never becomes a chore. That singing praises to God never becomes void of any heart on my behalf.
I guess I am just privately questioning the reason behind some things that I put so much into.

I'll leave you with this:

God, I would much rather sing as a child draws than to paint as a superstar plays. Strike any pride from within me and keep me humble I pray.

Does that make sense?

Seeing Clearly

I was reading my bible notes this morning before I began some work from the home office... and we've finished the lil stint in the Psalms which was cool.
Now it's onto the centre of life as such - Jesus.

Mark 8 v 22-26

Think of how you first came to Jesus. Think of the people who led you to him.

I am now going to skip out a big chunk of content from the study guide and just go onto the questions at the end of todays notes.

Where is your focus today?

Is your mind consumed by your problems, or are you looking to Jesus?

Only he can set us free to worship God, only he can give is a new perspective.

I am praying for his perspective. I am praying for his heart. I am praying that I can just learn to 'be'. I think about things too much..as some of you may well know. But I think I need to think less about things...and learn to be. I think that when you learn to be relaxed - in your esteem and with who you are, then there's great power found...because there's a clear line of sight.
The response section of the notes talks about allowing my problems to take their rightful place - in the hands of God.

So in an attempt to see more clearly, I am imposing a fast as such. I am not going to be on myspace until Monday. That's...4 days. I shall be fasting all food until Sunday dinner time in the evening.
During this time, I'm praying for church, our pastor, the worship which I'm leading on Sunday and the things that are upon my heart.

My chains are gone I've been set free,
My God my Saviour has ransomed me,
And like a flood his mercy rains,
Amazing Love, Amazing Grace.

I will be on txt and my mobile.

Big love to the whole world.

Dan x x

The Great Romance

There are a lot of things going on right now that in all honesty I just don't understand. I understand principles, but not circumstances.
I'm over-using the phrases 'I guess' and 'does that make sense?' because life is a lot of guess work and not much makes sense.
In all honesty.

It's late on Wednesday night and I'm visiting the days of being a 17 year old boy whose weeks were music and cigarrettes and weekends were breakfast shifts at McDonalds. Everyone know music is powerful and in a moment can send a 22 yr old back to being 19 on the phone smoking sneakily out the bedroom window.

I'm trying to make head and tail of some...seemingly pressing things and it doesn't help that my thought process is near broke.

Take every thought captive right?


As the great saying goes, God moves in mysterious ways.
Well my mind works in ways of mystery that quite frankly I at times, don't appreciate. I tend to overlook the day to day things and just stare straight into the far and distant future. Which in itself isn't all that bad..I mean..a man without foresight is blind?..I made that up actually..

I guess, as identified by my personal psychologist, I don't have a problem with the Big Picture God. I believe that ultimately he is in control and is the sovereign Lord of my life.
But in the day to day? I have a problem. Though I have seen Gods amazing hand of provision
countless times in just the last year is astounding..yet I still have trouble hoping for the day to day things.
Hope is dangerous isn't it? You hope..you can get hurt..or your hope can be justified. But why is it that there is so little faith in the justification of hope in comparison to the amount of doubt?
That's not human nature..that's just plain pessimism.

Does that make sense?

God, why is this seemingly straight and narrow road, so bent?

x x