So this weekend was eventful.
It all kicked off a bit later than usual...8-9pm on Saturday night after a 90 or so minute train journey to bournemouth all one my own to meet some of my high school friends.
Got to the travelodge and had a few beers...went into town had a few beers...had a dance to some d&b and got a taste of FUN.
I turned 17 again and went to a house party where there was booze, coke, sex and pills.
Then 2 meatwagons and 8 police cares turned up to turf 150 drunken, image concious, gotta have a good time before I die students onto the streets.
A good night to be had for all I must say.

So.

I must admit I've been a bit concerned about my spiritual welfare the last couple of weeks. I've spent alot of time on my own labelling tubes and being in a foul mood about it.
I was in a place where I had a negative spin on everything...then I bought a copy of Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer...seriously...that book is groundbreaking. In the couple of days that I;ve had it, I've gone through the first few chapters and it's like a switch has flipped and the circuit is flowing the other way.
It is so easy to dwell on the negative and condemning thoughts of the world. But the choice has to be made to dwell not on matters of flesh, but on matters of the Holy Spirit.
So this morning I choose to pray through the day...even when labelling the tubes on my own.
If you struggle with matters of the mind...read that book.

[disclaimer - I am making generalised statements in the following section so please read with a pinch of salt.]

www.myspace.com/broomstiky

www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

There are causes that the British church is disconnected from...and needs to be dealing with rather than just hoping that they won;t happen anymore.
On the Stiky myspace page, have a look at the video for Constance. That will blow your mind.
Midsets and the dirty things of the world are ignored. Let us stand up and tackle them in a way that is credible.
The thing that I love about what these various Christian movements from the States is that they are unashamedly tackling the disgraceful in a way that I am sure Jesus would (...I mean...who am I to say how Jesus would deal with our world...but there are examples in xxxchurch, towriteloveonherarms and invisible children...all worthy causes). It;s approaching these situations on the terms of the porn addicts, the girls who are sold for sex...

For years commercial christianity has had a dare I say it high and mighty nose stuck up arrogance that ignored the prostitutes. After all aren;t there just some things that you don;t deal with? NO. Jesus did not come to the Earth, die, conquer death, sin and carry all my shame and sin and shit on the cross on his terms did he? He came to the world on the worlds terms. In the form of a baby without sin as the perfect example for humanity.

So let us go to the gutter on the gutters terms with jesus on our sleeves meeting the needs of the gutter. Whatever that may be. Talk to the guy who never speaks in class and be his friend. Make the effort to engage with the work collegues who seem to be struggling with the wtasks at hand...I can;t explain how important it is that this generation bucks the trend of sticking a proverbial Christian nose up at need. Let us open the doors of our churches and build the city of refuge.

God does not say to us 'when you get your act together, we can talk'.

Now...how do I go about capturing this in song and picture?...I want to tak some photos of some street running...like the insane stuff jumping from building to building...there is a vision forming in my head and I;m excited...photography is a way of carrying those visions out...I want to try and capture freedom on canvas and write the exact words that the picture tells.

Let me know what you think...

and if you want in on this crazy journey.

So today I awoke with an abrupt start, stuck my head out of the window...and saw white. I am still such a little school kid.
If you live in the London/Surrey area you too would have awoken to 2 inches of snow lying on the ground. What a beautiful sight. But so quickly gone. It's 3 or so pm...the grass is green and the snow is dirty...you could even stretch to calling it filthy.

When you hear about things being washed as white as snow...its another cliche to add to the stupidly big pile. But when you see a field covered thick with brilliant, clean as clean can be snow...well I like to think that I got a bit more of a handle on the whole idea today even if I can;t portray it very well.

I bought some more dollar$ today for my lovely holiday coming up...I have like...$430...which is about £180...which sucks...But I'm really lookin forward to my first flight...and getting some chill God time.

The 3 weeks there are gonna be seeking God time. I'm expectant that God is gonna deliver...ya know? I want to be expectant of God...and so I shall.

Yup.

x

Today is the day

God has done so many things.
So many that I can;t count...God has done so much.
Can you not see?
Can you not see God in your life? How he has moved and changed and moved?

My heart is a burning ember...but it needs to be a great big bonfire.

Stoke the fire...build the fire.

Each day I think about whether I would be the same person today if I hadn't made the mistakes that I made...but you know what?

God glorifies us through grace. When we accept jesus into our lives, it is like placing a blood lense over ourselves so that when God looks at us, he see us clean. White as snow.
There's something so poetic about grace and the way by which we are redeemed.

Oh my God, how sweet is the sound. I once was blind.

But now?...y'all know the rest.

The sounds of a walk home

after of a day sitting on a stupidly low chair leaning over onto an even more stupidly low table.

- 'I'm sorry sir, you can;t walk down this road, it's closed.'

'Oh ok.......Is everything ok?'

'Yeah a buildings collapsed...'

'is that due to the weather?'

'I assume so yes...'

'Oh ok...well thanks.'

- The blatant tension of warming hands collectively gripping the steering wheel in rush hour traffic.

- The laughter in conversation as kids take a detour through town to plan what to spend their pocket money on this weekend.

- The scraping brakes of a train just hundreds of metres away that carries the businessmen home.

- The somewhat stifled excitement somewhere within my mind as I take note of a model railway exhibition advertised for January 30th...I'm half way to calling my Dad up for a day out.

- The chuckles of car drivers as the look at me walking in gale force winds.

- The satisfaction that I'll be home in 15 minutes when the people in cars will only be 317 metres down the road.

- If I were to to look at myself I would see a smile creep to the corners of my unusually weathered and worn facial expression as I survey the looming black cloud that promises so much. So much power and energy.

- Then, just for a moment, the smile breaks as I turn a corner to face the incoming cloud...I make a promise to myself as I do each time I see an iminent storm - 'this one I have to see'.

- The strangely natural and inviting smile of a policewoman whom I pass as she zips her underneath fleece jacket.

- Then the first drops begin to fall. Sparsely at first, but then more forcefully. One or two finding the right flight path into the hole on the side of my head that is my left ear...

See. Walking is so much more fun when you don;t have music blasting your head off.

Roast Beef

On my Thursday 4th January 06 I mean 07 (how many times have you done that so far this year?...) walk home from work, I began questioning and arrived at another place of dissatisfaction.
Did anyone else see the clear blue sky this morning? Absolutely beautiful with a nice crisp breeze that really wakes you up.
That was at about twenty past 8...at twenty past 3 this afternoon, the sky had turned grey.
What is it about the colour grey that is just so...digustingly dampening?

Here's where I link my musings with the twentysomethings christian existence...Why are Christians so in love with a GREY existence?

I've been listening to some podcasts by a guy in seattle US called Pastor Mark Driscoll. One of the questions I've heard that has been asked to him is 'How to I know if I;m really a Christian?'.
His answer is: 'If you truly love Christ, then you are a Christian. No doubt'.(ok...so that's paraphrased a bit). I lived a grey life. I would go to church and my faith was never black nor white. I was neither fully submitted to Christ and my heart never fully loved Christ.
Now?...I'm learning. I'm moving, I;m growing and progressing.

Where are you?

Merry Flamin' Christmas

Note: I am not depressed.

I am actually quite a bright little individual dazed and slightly confused by the bright lights of God in my small town naivety.

I ignored God when I was a kid. If I could change that I would. I would go and get into God. I would pray with freedom rather than rigidity, and sing when I wanted with all the heart that was in me.

This evening I went to the beach, turned my ipod up to full volume and praised God. Standing on the rocks embracing the bracing easterly wind, God was my audience.
I'm beginning to understand.
I'm beginning to get a grasp on the passion that has been placed within my heart.
Slowly awakening.
Slowly breaking out.

You see boys and girls...it is about Jesus. The basis of ALL of this is Jesus and what he was sent for. Just thinking about some of the things that I have been hearing about Jesus makes me want to go outside and sing again!!...but I won;t because it's 1130pm on Christmas Day.

I've wondered why o why am I not passionate about God? Why does it seem as though my prayers are not from my heart?

Once you grab a firm hold of the cross and the Christ that died on that cross and rose again to make me and you and everyone as white as snow...then life gets meaning.
That is the meaning of life. Ultimately that's the meaning of Christmas...

I could go on forever...

One day God will put words and songs in my mouth...well...actually they're there.
Now I pray that God will help me find a way to get these things out.

Amen.
Happy New Year. x x x

Buying someones heart...

...can't be done...I mean...if you could, would it be a heart worth keeping and knowing as it was bought?...what price have you placed upon your heart?

Words steer a conversation. Our every word determines the course and tone of what could well be described as a conversational journey.
Scripts never work. You can build an 'idea' of what you want to say to someone. But until you see and meet that person you never know just how your heart feels.

Time allows a person to raise and hype situations.

Peace.

I want to stand at the top of the Spinnaker tower for an hour and just pray.

From whom am I hiding?
Is it God?
I hide from confrontation. And the transgressions of my past. Yet still they haunt. Still they jaunt. Still the visit in the hour which I least suspect.

Hammers and nails do little to aid the process.
Turn it up. Maybe that'll get rid of it...
But the days go on. Shorter then longer then shorter.

This is 21.

Keep Going.

Not having the internet at home sucks. It means I cheat work out of their internet when on lunch and I never remember anything that I wanted to say. Most of my genius occurs when I'm out and about walking or coincidentally at home on my computer.
I'm struck with a sense of frustration but at the same time a sense of ease.
So I'm 21, In full time work, and living life. I live in a lovely house which I still havent completely moved into yet... but I'm on the way.
But it's the feeling of being on the way that is both comforting yet frustrating beyond belief.
Nothings changed. Besides the fact that I am comfortable with the fact that I'm 21, single, about to get the travelling bug, earning and playing music.
What more do you need?
What does the world tell you that you need?
What does God tell you that you need?
Who do we listen to more?
When did it become ok to be comfortable with faith and christianity?

Selected for...

So I'm sitting in my office at work...trying to hastily update my blog with whats going on in the world...and provide a suitably individual perspective on it all.
First off I led worship at church on sunday which was an awesome experience. It's amazing what you can do when god anoints you and you obey. Leading again in January.
Woo
Then my cheques cleard today...and I spent 730 quid...on a flight. You know the flight that I never though would happen. The flight that I thought would bring a completely new perspective on God and bring me to a different place with life?...Yep I booked it. This morning. 2nd March I'm off. For 3 weeks. Sun sand and God. Do you need anything else?
Christmas is coming scarily soon.
So's my 22nd birthday. Which happens to be on the same date as my degree celebration. So that will mean being at the union with degree mates celebrating getting old. Awesome.
I also got a desk in my room now...slowly but surely it's beginning to feel more like a home and a place where I can spend some time. All I need is a bookshelf and a cd rack. Argos.com.
I watched Lucky Number Slevin last night...interesting. Quite pulp fictiony in the way it was put together. Need to watch again...ooh and am FINALLY finishing off series 4 of 24.
Now all I need to do is grow up. Get some bible commentaries on my book shelf and buy a boe tie...and dinner jacket.
I want to stay young...but I realised that through always working on a saturday and not ever going out on a friday officially SUCKS. If I ever go out I just feel funny...like I worry about getting up the next day...I need 6 months of Saturdays off.
OOH I also got my uni staff card...it looks so weird.
Hope you are all well.
Dan xx

73

I really want to say something worthwhile in this post. I want to make this one count.
Chances are that I'll end up deleting it becase I don;t think that it runs with the profound tone of the other entries of my blog.
I decided ot start taking pictures again.
I went to Wisley garden centre with my parents on Saturday and decided that I wanted to go again at some point this week with my camera...and probably some enjoyable company...if not then I;m quite happy to go on my own.
But I want to start creating. Taking photos.
Looking for those opportune moments.
Trying to capture the beauty of the world around.
Finding inspiration.
Have you ever looked at a photo?...like really looked and cosidered the before and after-moments?...and also what that photo is implying purely in itself?
Art.
Thus begins.

I ate a muffin wrapper...home school?!

I sat in my living room in an oversized blue t shirt I bought when I was 16, and some white running shorts. I then proceeded to skip mens prayer, watch the film Crash (an interesting look into various racial tensions that are present not only in LA but I would say the world) and then the Devil's Adovcate. Which I must say creeped me out in places.
I must say I was getting a bit concerned...I read RB's blog and she was saying about not getting many comments...then she got 16 in one post...HA. I just figured out how to show comments that I get...but alot of them are from anonymous...saying 'great work.Thanks for your time' or 'I've seen better'. I mean...what?!?!

I realised something interesting when I was writing in my journal...in my new lounge...in my 5 year old t shirt. God's word is important.
Yeah thats right...the guy who works in the bookshop selling people faith on paper realised that the word of God is important.

I went for a few days reading a chapter of Matthews gospel in the morning and praying. Praying. Praying for life. For blessing. For forgiveness. For babies to be healed.

And I think it worked. The baby got healed. The baby came off the ventilator. The baby is digesting. Hallelujah!
But you know what happened. I bought tickets to Incubus. And as soon as I clicked 'buy' I preety much felt the presense of God escape me. I was in my shop at the front desk looking around...'God where have you gone?' He wasn't in me any more. I couldn't just open a book and hope he would be there. For a couple of days it was as though I had become an empty shell. As though I didn;t know where to look. A customer would approach me...and have of me is just like 'whoa whoa whoa whats going on?!!' and the other half is 'can I take a contact name and number?'.
I'm trying to get back into God. It's just so easy to blink and be out of the fold. How to you keep yourself in?

I never wrote a manifesto and would no idea how to...but I kinda want to...but don;t know what I'd write about.

Done

I remember

This is my work office. This is me...pretty much all the time now. In an office drinking a meal deal or packaged sandwich. Wasting my cash. This is a sad but true existence...but I'm not unhappy.
I pop into the smoothie shop up the road. I say hello engage in a bit of freindly banter with the sports science nutriitionist behind the counter and wonder if it's all an act or if she truly is this friendly with everyone...the i begin to wonder whether there are any other twentysomething guys in guildford that wonder into the smoothie shop...not because theyre concerned about their physical upkeep but because they want their day to be uplifted by that little ray of sunshine behind the counter.

I bought appletise this morning. A can. I remember the old school. When appletise was gold dust. The nectar of the gods. About once a fortnight I would get to walk around with my parents on a saturday morning in newport on the island and i would eat a sugar cube...a cheese scone...maybe another sugar cube and then my bottle of appletise. I couldn;t have coke because that rotted my teeth and made me hiper as anything. Just tdrinking the stuff I can remember the sights...the crooked floorboards of this coffee shop we used to go to as a family...the staff dressed up in 1930's maids uniforms...the sneeze guard...the cakes so tantalisingly placed behind the screen calling out to me. So many different ones...which would I stuff my face with first?
But i did not.
I would sit down. My family would sit down. A prehistoric-like game of shotgun would go on between me and my sisters as to who got to sit in the chait with the arms.
The big chair.

I played at this talent exhibition in woking last night. There were many displays of dedication and some great things to be seen.
The thing that moved me the most...strangely enough yes...I was moved...was this school choir. They were exactly like the choir I was in in year 5. And I could just imagine my parents watching us. The proud smiles on their faces. I mean...me and the people I was sat with were laughing at little bits and what not...
My kids are gonna be extravagant. HA.
I don;t want my kids to be afraid of displaying their talents...My kids can sing dance or play and go as far as they want...but I pray I dont use my kid as a channel of my own frustration...that I didn;t go as far as I wanted...


Life is good.

God is good.

Have you ever...

Gone out on payday...and bought some brand spanking, lovely new shoes?
Then you stop off in a park...or work...or starbucks and try your newly purchased shoes out for size. You didn;t want to try them on in the shop because when you shop you shop with a great sense of confidence. A smirk on your face that indicates you know what the cr@p you're doing.
You don't discard of your old shoes right away though. They stay in the box. And you carry your smeel y old shoes around in a brand spanking new box the whole day. You ever noticed that your old shoes, however similar to the new ones, never ever quite fit into the new box quite right?

I bought a cardigan today...I don;t have that much awareness when it comes to colour co-ordination

Paint...go on...PAINT!!

From one hectic combination of omployment to another. I've gone from working 6 days a week between Mcdonalds and wesley owen to working 6 days a week between wesley Owen and working as a research assistant on campus for the people who I was doing the sleep study for.

It's something quite cool to put on your CV and will be a welcome change.

My room in the new place to be is not looking that good at the moment. I have my bed in one corner, a stack of boxes with the crap that before you move you tell yourself you'll be able to get rid of...but can;t because it bears some tiny emotional significance, a suitcase with some clean clothes and a pile of dirty clothes that have settled into roughly a third of the floor space.
It;s not that I can;t pile them up...I'm not that lazy...there are really that many clothes.
There are a couple of things that I can;t wait to get doing.
You shall find in due course.

I have forgotten how to play football.

I have forgotten how to write.

Lesson: keep in the habit of doing things regularly...otherwise you;ll forget how to do them.

How do you stop being tired?

I wonder how many people feel that they have been done a great dis-service by god.

I wonder how many people reject god because of the picture that has been painted for them by the so-called shepherds.

What is my picture? I don;t know.

I just watched a short dvd which is part of a series called Nooma.

The word Nooma is an English phonetic spelling of the Greek word pneuma, which is commonly translated to “spirit” or “breath”.

In this short film the author, Rob Bell, tells the story of a stolen white ball. His eldest son stole the ball from a family assumedly while he was visiting. When questioned about the ball he reacts in a somewhat questionable manner. Acting strangely denying all knowledge of this ball.

Days later the boys are at home with their mother playing when a fight erupts. The younger son gets hit and runs to mum.

Again the older son denies the accusation of committing the act of hitting.

His mother calmly responds 'just like you didn;t know about the white ball?'.

Busted.

He then proceeds to run and hide.

Then dad comes home and searches for his son. Not in his bedrooms. Not in his brothers bedroom. Not in the bathroom. But under the covers of his parents bed.
Dad draws the covers back (and here is what I'm getting at. This is what rang clear with me) and his son has a choice. He can either pull the covers back over and hide or he can lie there on the bed exposed to his dad. He sits on his bed with his son just saying 'There's nothing you could do that would make me love you any less'.

I have spent years running and hiding from god. Getting tattoos to reassure myself of gods presence, and yet still making the same mistakes.

And approximately 5-6 years after all of this started I'm still on the run.

Imagine a bank robber. Smashing through the front door of a bank in his prime. He seizes what isn;t his and makes a dash for it.

Years later still on the run he has grown weary and tired. Spent his winnings from that fateful day.

Bottom line. I don;t know how to get right.

I don;t know how to make it right.

It's so dark in here I can barely see my hand

Ok so that's a bit of an over exageration.
But I'm participating in a study of the body clock which goes over 4 weeks and for this weekend I am in a dark room sitting in bed. How could life get any better you ask? Well I get paid and am gonna put the cash towards a ticket to sydney.
I've been spending my time working between Mcdonalds and my bookshop. Oooh did I mention that I'm hideously addicted to 24 season 4?...well I am and I love it!!

I move house this week. Just down the road..but I must say that I'm really looking forward to getting into a home. Not that my present accomodation isn't a home...but whenever I'm at home I just don;t feel as though I can relax. Whe I sit in my sty of a room I'm almost itching to do some work and I feel guilty for just sitting around watching dvds because I associate that room with my degree for which I am due to get the results very soon!

Man it;s all kicking off at the moment...I'm hitting the job search hard. But if you want a full time job in retail in Guildford - quite a large university town just after all the freshers arrive in town then you;re gonna have a hard time working through all the crap and getting that one job that you really want.

On Wednesday I was at work and as usual in the morning we sat down with a luke warm cup of this time peppermint tea as I had brought in some tea bags which I have now haphazardly left there. We looked through some devotional notes and the quote unquote word for wednesday was about checking your ego. Just about being humble. Before we get gifted the larger things in our life to do we have to work through the little things...and have to be obedient in the things that god appoints us to do. Like work at Mcdonalds.

Then the word for thursday was abvout being under construction. 1 John 3v2 says in the KJV bible - ...it doth not yet appear what we shall be...
Which to me is a great concept. Not so I can go...'right...God I believe that you are gonna give me...a ferrari even though it is not I call it into being' or something to that extent.
Which when put into practise is a great action of faith.
So I'm calling into being the things that I believe God has for me. The salary. The Girl. The voice. The songs.

I start reading encounter with God tomorrow. I promised someone I would read it...last time I tried to read something with someone it didn;t exactly go too well...didn;t really agree with alot of stuff in the Purpose Driven Life.

Life goes on..God got me out of Mcdonalds in time and granted me favour.

Faithworx

(Listening to Bill Withers on someone elses laptop while I;m blogging and being antisocial...score)

Love y'allxx

Five Thousand and counting

The internet has spawned a new age of addiction and loneliness.

Myspace, faceparty, islandoo, all this stuff..has spawned an addiction to sitting infront of a screen in a barely lit room formulating conspiracy theories and drinking diet Dr.Pepper.

With computer has come desperation and sore square eyes.

Generation X would have had a simpler time going to a park every sunday afternoon with their sweetheart once a week and chatting about this and that slowly but surely falling in love. Times were simpler.

Now it's all you are not complete unless you are with someone.

I am complete in christ.

I have all I need in the promises and deeds of the cross.

But what it is to hear the words we want to hear from that pretty girl we like. What it is to be close. To bury your head in the arms of someone who wants to be in yours. To feel the heartbeat of anothers breast...God didn;t create man to be alone.

But until my time I shall strive to be all that God made me to be.

Ouch

So I'm at work...but I had to get this down.

I've just been struck be a stomach wrenching revelation...

I'm very much fearful that actually...I'm not going anywhere.

People I admire and respect and love dearly as friends are getting engaged, putting bands and musical projects together, travelling...the whole lot...but I'm working 6 day weeks between McDonalds and a Christian Bookshop.

I want to go somewhere...who took my road map away?

Boys and the Beats

I feel like a care-free teenager.

20 minutes of clumsy hap-hazard foot ball then the real wildness kicks in.

A thunder storm begins with the pitter patter of small refreshing drops that fall upon our sweaty heavily slothed bodies. The decision is passed that we don't want to get too wet while we're trying to keep ourselves going for the evenings activities.

It was one of those scenes where we should've been drinking refreshingly cool white lightning cider and smoking poorly rolled cigarettes taking a 5 minute fag and drink break every 2 or 3 goals.

The usually beautiful game was barred by the inconsiderately parked cars and unamuzingly placed pillars in the bottom carpark.
Then a true act of vandalism happens...a clumsy shot...that one tiny lapse of concentration...that tiny little surplus rush of adrenaline...

death to the security camera...we won;t be playing there for a while.

Damn kids.