I sat in my living room in an oversized blue t shirt I bought when I was 16, and some white running shorts. I then proceeded to skip mens prayer, watch the film Crash (an interesting look into various racial tensions that are present not only in LA but I would say the world) and then the Devil's Adovcate. Which I must say creeped me out in places.
I must say I was getting a bit concerned...I read RB's blog and she was saying about not getting many comments...then she got 16 in one post...HA. I just figured out how to show comments that I get...but alot of them are from anonymous...saying 'great work.Thanks for your time' or 'I've seen better'. I mean...what?!?!
I realised something interesting when I was writing in my journal...in my new lounge...in my 5 year old t shirt. God's word is important.
Yeah thats right...the guy who works in the bookshop selling people faith on paper realised that the word of God is important.
I went for a few days reading a chapter of Matthews gospel in the morning and praying. Praying. Praying for life. For blessing. For forgiveness. For babies to be healed.
And I think it worked. The baby got healed. The baby came off the ventilator. The baby is digesting. Hallelujah!
But you know what happened. I bought tickets to Incubus. And as soon as I clicked 'buy' I preety much felt the presense of God escape me. I was in my shop at the front desk looking around...'God where have you gone?' He wasn't in me any more. I couldn't just open a book and hope he would be there. For a couple of days it was as though I had become an empty shell. As though I didn;t know where to look. A customer would approach me...and have of me is just like 'whoa whoa whoa whats going on?!!' and the other half is 'can I take a contact name and number?'.
I'm trying to get back into God. It's just so easy to blink and be out of the fold. How to you keep yourself in?
I never wrote a manifesto and would no idea how to...but I kinda want to...but don;t know what I'd write about.
Done
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I've been thinking about this so much recently... I've not felt 'in' God's presence for months, easily, maybe bordering on a year now and I find myself wondering 'how do I get back in again' All The Time.
It sometimes makes me cry, I'm so frustrated, expecially when I'm praying because I just get bored. I just switch off and either fall asleep or start dreaming some crazy Dali-esgue wonderland with men rolling backwards down brown paper hills and remembering the feeling of my skin breaking when I used to hurt myself. What is that?!
But then somtimes I just think... my being a Christian isn't about me feeling God's presence, it's about me being obedient. Even grudgingly or 'just because I should'. And then a hopeful part of me thinks, that maybe if I can be faithful in my obedience now when I don't get any feedback about it from God, then He'll bless me with a whole load of constantly open lines and amazing chats at some point in the future... maybe once my body's died...
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