I ate a muffin wrapper...home school?!

I sat in my living room in an oversized blue t shirt I bought when I was 16, and some white running shorts. I then proceeded to skip mens prayer, watch the film Crash (an interesting look into various racial tensions that are present not only in LA but I would say the world) and then the Devil's Adovcate. Which I must say creeped me out in places.
I must say I was getting a bit concerned...I read RB's blog and she was saying about not getting many comments...then she got 16 in one post...HA. I just figured out how to show comments that I get...but alot of them are from anonymous...saying 'great work.Thanks for your time' or 'I've seen better'. I mean...what?!?!

I realised something interesting when I was writing in my journal...in my new lounge...in my 5 year old t shirt. God's word is important.
Yeah thats right...the guy who works in the bookshop selling people faith on paper realised that the word of God is important.

I went for a few days reading a chapter of Matthews gospel in the morning and praying. Praying. Praying for life. For blessing. For forgiveness. For babies to be healed.

And I think it worked. The baby got healed. The baby came off the ventilator. The baby is digesting. Hallelujah!
But you know what happened. I bought tickets to Incubus. And as soon as I clicked 'buy' I preety much felt the presense of God escape me. I was in my shop at the front desk looking around...'God where have you gone?' He wasn't in me any more. I couldn't just open a book and hope he would be there. For a couple of days it was as though I had become an empty shell. As though I didn;t know where to look. A customer would approach me...and have of me is just like 'whoa whoa whoa whats going on?!!' and the other half is 'can I take a contact name and number?'.
I'm trying to get back into God. It's just so easy to blink and be out of the fold. How to you keep yourself in?

I never wrote a manifesto and would no idea how to...but I kinda want to...but don;t know what I'd write about.

Done

I remember

This is my work office. This is me...pretty much all the time now. In an office drinking a meal deal or packaged sandwich. Wasting my cash. This is a sad but true existence...but I'm not unhappy.
I pop into the smoothie shop up the road. I say hello engage in a bit of freindly banter with the sports science nutriitionist behind the counter and wonder if it's all an act or if she truly is this friendly with everyone...the i begin to wonder whether there are any other twentysomething guys in guildford that wonder into the smoothie shop...not because theyre concerned about their physical upkeep but because they want their day to be uplifted by that little ray of sunshine behind the counter.

I bought appletise this morning. A can. I remember the old school. When appletise was gold dust. The nectar of the gods. About once a fortnight I would get to walk around with my parents on a saturday morning in newport on the island and i would eat a sugar cube...a cheese scone...maybe another sugar cube and then my bottle of appletise. I couldn;t have coke because that rotted my teeth and made me hiper as anything. Just tdrinking the stuff I can remember the sights...the crooked floorboards of this coffee shop we used to go to as a family...the staff dressed up in 1930's maids uniforms...the sneeze guard...the cakes so tantalisingly placed behind the screen calling out to me. So many different ones...which would I stuff my face with first?
But i did not.
I would sit down. My family would sit down. A prehistoric-like game of shotgun would go on between me and my sisters as to who got to sit in the chait with the arms.
The big chair.

I played at this talent exhibition in woking last night. There were many displays of dedication and some great things to be seen.
The thing that moved me the most...strangely enough yes...I was moved...was this school choir. They were exactly like the choir I was in in year 5. And I could just imagine my parents watching us. The proud smiles on their faces. I mean...me and the people I was sat with were laughing at little bits and what not...
My kids are gonna be extravagant. HA.
I don;t want my kids to be afraid of displaying their talents...My kids can sing dance or play and go as far as they want...but I pray I dont use my kid as a channel of my own frustration...that I didn;t go as far as I wanted...


Life is good.

God is good.

Have you ever...

Gone out on payday...and bought some brand spanking, lovely new shoes?
Then you stop off in a park...or work...or starbucks and try your newly purchased shoes out for size. You didn;t want to try them on in the shop because when you shop you shop with a great sense of confidence. A smirk on your face that indicates you know what the cr@p you're doing.
You don't discard of your old shoes right away though. They stay in the box. And you carry your smeel y old shoes around in a brand spanking new box the whole day. You ever noticed that your old shoes, however similar to the new ones, never ever quite fit into the new box quite right?

I bought a cardigan today...I don;t have that much awareness when it comes to colour co-ordination

Paint...go on...PAINT!!

From one hectic combination of omployment to another. I've gone from working 6 days a week between Mcdonalds and wesley owen to working 6 days a week between wesley Owen and working as a research assistant on campus for the people who I was doing the sleep study for.

It's something quite cool to put on your CV and will be a welcome change.

My room in the new place to be is not looking that good at the moment. I have my bed in one corner, a stack of boxes with the crap that before you move you tell yourself you'll be able to get rid of...but can;t because it bears some tiny emotional significance, a suitcase with some clean clothes and a pile of dirty clothes that have settled into roughly a third of the floor space.
It;s not that I can;t pile them up...I'm not that lazy...there are really that many clothes.
There are a couple of things that I can;t wait to get doing.
You shall find in due course.

I have forgotten how to play football.

I have forgotten how to write.

Lesson: keep in the habit of doing things regularly...otherwise you;ll forget how to do them.

How do you stop being tired?

I wonder how many people feel that they have been done a great dis-service by god.

I wonder how many people reject god because of the picture that has been painted for them by the so-called shepherds.

What is my picture? I don;t know.

I just watched a short dvd which is part of a series called Nooma.

The word Nooma is an English phonetic spelling of the Greek word pneuma, which is commonly translated to “spirit” or “breath”.

In this short film the author, Rob Bell, tells the story of a stolen white ball. His eldest son stole the ball from a family assumedly while he was visiting. When questioned about the ball he reacts in a somewhat questionable manner. Acting strangely denying all knowledge of this ball.

Days later the boys are at home with their mother playing when a fight erupts. The younger son gets hit and runs to mum.

Again the older son denies the accusation of committing the act of hitting.

His mother calmly responds 'just like you didn;t know about the white ball?'.

Busted.

He then proceeds to run and hide.

Then dad comes home and searches for his son. Not in his bedrooms. Not in his brothers bedroom. Not in the bathroom. But under the covers of his parents bed.
Dad draws the covers back (and here is what I'm getting at. This is what rang clear with me) and his son has a choice. He can either pull the covers back over and hide or he can lie there on the bed exposed to his dad. He sits on his bed with his son just saying 'There's nothing you could do that would make me love you any less'.

I have spent years running and hiding from god. Getting tattoos to reassure myself of gods presence, and yet still making the same mistakes.

And approximately 5-6 years after all of this started I'm still on the run.

Imagine a bank robber. Smashing through the front door of a bank in his prime. He seizes what isn;t his and makes a dash for it.

Years later still on the run he has grown weary and tired. Spent his winnings from that fateful day.

Bottom line. I don;t know how to get right.

I don;t know how to make it right.

It's so dark in here I can barely see my hand

Ok so that's a bit of an over exageration.
But I'm participating in a study of the body clock which goes over 4 weeks and for this weekend I am in a dark room sitting in bed. How could life get any better you ask? Well I get paid and am gonna put the cash towards a ticket to sydney.
I've been spending my time working between Mcdonalds and my bookshop. Oooh did I mention that I'm hideously addicted to 24 season 4?...well I am and I love it!!

I move house this week. Just down the road..but I must say that I'm really looking forward to getting into a home. Not that my present accomodation isn't a home...but whenever I'm at home I just don;t feel as though I can relax. Whe I sit in my sty of a room I'm almost itching to do some work and I feel guilty for just sitting around watching dvds because I associate that room with my degree for which I am due to get the results very soon!

Man it;s all kicking off at the moment...I'm hitting the job search hard. But if you want a full time job in retail in Guildford - quite a large university town just after all the freshers arrive in town then you;re gonna have a hard time working through all the crap and getting that one job that you really want.

On Wednesday I was at work and as usual in the morning we sat down with a luke warm cup of this time peppermint tea as I had brought in some tea bags which I have now haphazardly left there. We looked through some devotional notes and the quote unquote word for wednesday was about checking your ego. Just about being humble. Before we get gifted the larger things in our life to do we have to work through the little things...and have to be obedient in the things that god appoints us to do. Like work at Mcdonalds.

Then the word for thursday was abvout being under construction. 1 John 3v2 says in the KJV bible - ...it doth not yet appear what we shall be...
Which to me is a great concept. Not so I can go...'right...God I believe that you are gonna give me...a ferrari even though it is not I call it into being' or something to that extent.
Which when put into practise is a great action of faith.
So I'm calling into being the things that I believe God has for me. The salary. The Girl. The voice. The songs.

I start reading encounter with God tomorrow. I promised someone I would read it...last time I tried to read something with someone it didn;t exactly go too well...didn;t really agree with alot of stuff in the Purpose Driven Life.

Life goes on..God got me out of Mcdonalds in time and granted me favour.

Faithworx

(Listening to Bill Withers on someone elses laptop while I;m blogging and being antisocial...score)

Love y'allxx

Five Thousand and counting

The internet has spawned a new age of addiction and loneliness.

Myspace, faceparty, islandoo, all this stuff..has spawned an addiction to sitting infront of a screen in a barely lit room formulating conspiracy theories and drinking diet Dr.Pepper.

With computer has come desperation and sore square eyes.

Generation X would have had a simpler time going to a park every sunday afternoon with their sweetheart once a week and chatting about this and that slowly but surely falling in love. Times were simpler.

Now it's all you are not complete unless you are with someone.

I am complete in christ.

I have all I need in the promises and deeds of the cross.

But what it is to hear the words we want to hear from that pretty girl we like. What it is to be close. To bury your head in the arms of someone who wants to be in yours. To feel the heartbeat of anothers breast...God didn;t create man to be alone.

But until my time I shall strive to be all that God made me to be.

Ouch

So I'm at work...but I had to get this down.

I've just been struck be a stomach wrenching revelation...

I'm very much fearful that actually...I'm not going anywhere.

People I admire and respect and love dearly as friends are getting engaged, putting bands and musical projects together, travelling...the whole lot...but I'm working 6 day weeks between McDonalds and a Christian Bookshop.

I want to go somewhere...who took my road map away?

Boys and the Beats

I feel like a care-free teenager.

20 minutes of clumsy hap-hazard foot ball then the real wildness kicks in.

A thunder storm begins with the pitter patter of small refreshing drops that fall upon our sweaty heavily slothed bodies. The decision is passed that we don't want to get too wet while we're trying to keep ourselves going for the evenings activities.

It was one of those scenes where we should've been drinking refreshingly cool white lightning cider and smoking poorly rolled cigarettes taking a 5 minute fag and drink break every 2 or 3 goals.

The usually beautiful game was barred by the inconsiderately parked cars and unamuzingly placed pillars in the bottom carpark.
Then a true act of vandalism happens...a clumsy shot...that one tiny lapse of concentration...that tiny little surplus rush of adrenaline...

death to the security camera...we won;t be playing there for a while.

Damn kids.

Poetic Justice...

I have a strange sense of deja vu...except in the deja vu my room was the other way round...but circumstances were the same...I was watching smallville and typing something on my computer...well admittedly that's most days...to my shame.
I've got box-set fever. Isn't that what life boils down to? Mundane jobs, dvd box-sets of a life we always wanted and dreams of a life less ordinary.
It shouldn't have to...but...how on earth do we morph the mundane to the purposeful? Can just being a credible person in a workplace be a supernatural feat?
I want to paint. Not with a brush on a canvas. But with a pen on paper. I want to capture peoples imaginations and help them dream. I want to see natural beauties and then share them with anyone who cares to read.
When in Zoolander the blondie woman says that an aboriginal said that a picture steals part of your soul. Is that why the pen is mightier than the sword?
Here's an exercise that maybe I'll take up in private of taking a photo and then just writing about it...trying to incarcerate (you see the thing I have with words is that I'm not sure what they mean but I pick up on words in conversation and then try and put them in context in a series of trial and error moments of...genius) the image within a readers mind....


This is a journey that I want to embark upon. I want to travel. I want to go to Paris, Devon, Moscow, Kenya, the Grand Canyon, Sydney and New Zealand.
I have many pictures to paint. I have many things to sort along the way. I want to go sit on a beach with my camera and a pad of paper.
I have this feeling that there is a vision that God has for me to run with. And I want to go and spend some time chasing the heart of God.
I've been putting together a little plan of the next year or so. And I'm not going to tell you what it is as I think that it's something I need to keep to myself.

So...Lana Lang huh?

Just a thought

How often do we hear songs, learn the words so that they are second nature to them, and then spew them every week in church as part of the regularities that occur? Well...I think quite a lot...
When was the last time we thought about what it is that we sing on a sunday. What it is that we are confessing to on a Sunday?
For me this is quite an issue. Where I work, I listen to christian 'worship' albums 7-8 times a day sometimes varying, sometimes it's the same album time after time!!! And I become de-sensitised to what it is that I subscribe to as a faith. I lose a sense of genuinity and just find everything that I hear and see contrived, false and quite honestly...plastic!
God is the ALMIGHTY...as a good friend of mine said...not the ALMATEY. Has christianity got too cosmo? Has it crashed through the sensible barriers of consumerism? Are christians more consumed with pushing books, cd's and dvd's from shelves than delivering a spiritually reputable message?
I'll leave that one out there.

Love God through all the sh*t...there's a concept. That's what we're called to do is it not? Not just when things are going our way. Whether prayer is answered or not...still love God.

Still love God.

It's harder than it looks.

The Farse Show

That's right...I can play with words.

Against advice, I've been reading Disappointment With God by Philip Yancey.

What am I disappointed with?

I don;t know...To be honest, I can;t quite place my stubby little finger on the precise factor, but all I know is that it surfaces every so often and I enter into a recession.

A recession. Like Recess. A 15-20 mintue break from the plastic glamour of life lessons. Recess. The time when problems boil, tempers fray and romances for some unknown reason bloom.
It's a time of social activity. People huddle together patting themselves on the back telling each other just how good they are and how much better they are than the other kids in the playground.

Recession. A setback. A sleeping Policeman. A speed hump that tells you, even though the road is clear, the sun is setting and the geese are migrating south for winter, that you must SLOW DOWN.

Or a Recession. A lapse. Like a broken Burt Bacharach 12" record. You get to the bridge of 'What the World Needs Now', you have your tumbler of whiskey, open log fire, beautiful tabby cat sprawled across the fire rug when all of a sudden...a jitter. Burt and the whole Burt orchestra are stuck in a 3/4 second loop.
A Lapse. An emotional turnover.

Month End.

Writing on the Walls

Theres something awfully compelling about the sky at dusk. As soon at the clouds glaze over with the yellow of a sinking sun it's almost as if there;s a race to go and find that beauty spot where for the alotted time spent there, things fit into place.
You don;t need a 5 year plan, you don;t have to learn to drive, your martial status means nothing because for those select seconds time is dead.

Reading books is all good and fair but they offer stale and impractical hope. I;ve never been much of an application kinda guy...does Christianity require you to be a certain 'type' of person?

I;m just pissed off because I feel left out.

Better luck next time.

Musings of someone with nothing to do

This is an entry from my journal:

The beach is a place of discovery. It's a place where kids learn all about boundaries and the power of the earth. Children stand at the edge of the tide ankle deep clutching their parents hand, staring into the depths of what could be.
Sandcastles are an early artistic expression. It's almost like they're building their first home. They learn about foundations - that unless you build on something solid, what you have made gets washed away.
Parents are security, shelter, money, warmth, provision.
It's almost as though the beach is a place of tuition, exploration, freedom.

Where did I go wrong?

Are there opportunities that I'm going to wish I took? I don;t want to wish I'd travelled, played, written and loved more. I want to do as much of these things as I can while I'm young.

The beach is also a great place of recollection. Elderly couples who have seen wars, fought battles and experienced death walk along the prominade. While the young are windswept, cold and wet, the older are well prepared and always, always dry.

The sought after existence of a kite is over-rated. Everyone longs to fly wildly in the wind but as a kite you are forever at the mercy of your pilot rooted on the ground.
I remember flying my kite. Many a time i would let the diamond go to the full length of the wire and struggle to hold on. But I do remember thinking about setting the kite free.

Setting the kite free.

To fly it's own path.

To navigate the winds as it chose.

To fly as a bird.

Where did I go wrong? When did my innocence turn to ignorance instead of wisdom? When did a full piggy bank cease being important and the courtship of possessions begin to take it's place?

When did I stop having fun?

Not all nuns will get into heaven

So I'm back on the Isle of Wight ... no wait s***e. Ha.
And I tell you what - when I get back here, I get all conservative and I just naturally invert to my tortoise shell and I become someone whom I barely recognise.

Like on the boat ride over the Solent I was listening to Man with a Movie Camera by the Cinematic Orchestra. And in my have power-nap state I was just making a film in my head. Like the track entitled Dawn...just paints to many pictures...I was just seeing a Snowman-esque scene...starts off in normal camer footage of a young adult male and female in a field with waist height grasses blowing in the wind...and the couple lying at the top of a hill in the grass just laughing. The guy has placed a broken piece of the grass in his mouth in an attempt to immasculate himself - to say - 'out here I'm a real man'.

The next track...I dunno...like the scene turns into animation...like the scrappy animation of the Snowman...you know the 'walking on the air malarky'. And Its a dark starry night and the boy and girl are dancing in the grass...just...like...they're expression of their love is more than any words can say...this is a dance that can't be described by words...the animation is the only thing that does it justice...the rough edges the untimely frames...in undignified but more beautiful than you could ever imagine. And this goes on for hours. Tirelessly the couple express, display and perspire throughout the evening beneath the blurrly stars. It's a beautiful scene...if only you could see it.

Then there's the walk home...but that's for another day.

Looks can be decieving.

Confidence is a barrier. Smiles hide broken hearts. Scars tell a thousand tales. Feet walk a thousand miles.
Bibles are read countless times but still we can't make head nor tail of it.

Maybe this philosophers hat doesn;t suit me...but for now...I like it.

Je suis creative.

Bon.

h x

So I just got back from soul survivor - in one way one of the most unsettling environments to be in as an insecure single christian. Members of the opposite sex are parading themselves araound and because it's a christian environment pretty much everyone without a wedding ring on is eligable!! hahaha
But at the same hideously awkward time everyone is completely ineligable cuz unless you fall stupidly in love in the space of 5 days then you know it's not really gonna happen.

Watching people fall in love is an awesome thing. It's like watching the transition of seasons. Sitting in the porch of my tent I noticed many a time this week that there were a growing amount of crispy crimson c...(ok end of illiteration)leaves. And it's like this...everything around us even us in our hearts and spirits are always in transition.
Even when we feel as though we have been waiting at a red light for what may have been days months or even years!

I'm in transition.

I'm learning what it is to find affirmation and approval in God instead of searching for it in the world.

The things God does for us day by day are just unfathomable. Like - the stars at night, the sun in the morning, the sun at night, a dragonflys flight pattern... This whole planet is one big romantic gift from God to his people...and I;m loving it.

Look at the picture at the top in this entry. It's name is 'This is what I was made to do'.

We were made to be part of a great romance between us and our heavenly father.

Plug in.

I'm not on my own computer. I'm on my housemates laptop. On the system bar or whatever you call it on a mac it says next to the battery display icon - 99%.
In the last few minutes in which I've been sitting here it's stayed at 99%.
When do we ever get to 100%?
When will we evver feel as though we aren't burnt out?

I'm off to Soul Survivor to play and seek God. You know what? I have no idea what I want to get from this week. It's like the mindset of a christian is to constantly want an impartation from God. Like all the time we want to hear some life changing word from God be it confirmation or revelation of some bigg thing.

But you know what?

I don;t want anymore impartation, Shall I tell you what I want? I want to get rid of some stuff for once. I want to iron out some creases instead of adding to the ruffles in the crisp white shirt of my life...ya know what I mean?
Since finishing I haven;t really had the chance to stop, look and listen to what;s going on around e and in a way that disturbs me.
I want to wind down. This year will be good for me I think. It;s gonna be a time where I can find out who I am again instead of chasing deadlines and being squashed by the pressure of a degree and wondering what is in store in the docu-soap that is life.

There once was a young man named Horace,
Who wished dearly his name was Boris.
How he loved to run
From the things he had done,
..............................................

I was never any good at finishing things. Let;s hope one day I can finish a task to the best of my ability and be happy and content with what I;ve done,
Now I;m speaking in riddles...I probably should have kept my drunken entry from last night...

Telling someone you read their blog whom you hardly know...what a f**king idiot.
HAHAHA

..........................To be continued

50 things women really want to hear

I'm not gonna reel off 50 things that I think women want to hear. Its just that I take random titles from the things I can see when I write an entry to this thing.

So I've been thinking - what is the key to winning a girls heart...I suppose more importantly what is the key to DISCOVERING Gods heart?

Is it flowers and chocolates?

Is it heroism?

Is it valiance?

Is it confidence?

Is it boldness?

The holy spirit is the one that will guide me to my heavenly father's heart. And I think that besides God the only other mystery that lies on God's green planet is the inner workings of a womans heart.

(As Cities Burn - Worshipcore)

Bowling 100

Today I did these things in this order:
Woke up
Went to church
Went for lunch in weatherspoons and had a lasagne al forno
Almost threw up from the crappy lasagne
Walked to the spectrum
Spent about 20 mintues sitting in the spectrum Burger King worrying about the impression I was going to make on the people I was about to meet.
Played a game of bowling
Got 2 strikes, a half strike, 100 points and 2nd place out of 6.
Was pleased that i didn;t look like a complete tit infront of some people that I'd never met.
Stood outside of the electric theatre waiting to get in for a bible study while the clouds began to gather and the weather deteriorated.
Wanted to go and stand in the pouring rain and scream til I was blue in the face.
Downloaded some Psalty and left a long answerphone message with as much of the butterfly song as would record.
Came home and prayed.
Decided to do a blog entry and listen to some D'Angelo (The soundtrack of my honeymoon HAHAHA)

So I handed all my coursework in like...last week. And I'm glad to get that damned degree over. Whether or not I pass is in the hands of God.
But I kinda feel like at the moment I'm going through a new birthing stage. The boy, the child that hid through my degree is making way for a whole new being....you ready?...check this...DAN THE MAN.

Yeah.

I've found myself...especially this evening talking about the Holy Spirit wanting to embrace the raw power of God in the form of the Thunder storm. I absolutely effing love em. The lighning flashes and thunder claps that make you jump, then you look to the skies in anticipation of capturing a golden electric flash.
I want to stand in the rain and scream with all that is within me. I am becoming ferral!!! or however it's spelt...
I want to be wild. I want to be untamed...I want to love with an untamed heart. I want to get lost in the wilderness and embracethe elements of the father, son and holy spirit.
Men are becoming feminine weirdos! We're getting so caught up in hair cuts and moisturiser and meercat scarves! I say NO!
Well actually... I say be well groomed and take care of appearance but don;t get too gay about it.
I want to rescue. I want to romance and choose and live the enchanted life that my father intended and so few find.
Life isn;t a box of chocolates.
Life is a book. A dusty hardback book with guilded pages and silky ribbon markers bound into the spine.
Life is broken into chapters. This the end of one and the beginning of another.

I'm all excited now.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline
2 Timothy 1v7

Baths and Sleeping bags

So its...8pm sunday. I need another bath. It's hot and seems as though its staying that way.
I finished my degree last week - handed everything in on wednesday and have been kinda kicking back since. I'm not sure how well i did everything but it's out of my hands now I spose.
I don't know what I want.

I don;t want to run away with myself again. I've done that too much. I just want to take a bit of time out and get my back sorted.

I played the last ever show with awkward silence last night at ryde theatre on the iow. I don;t think ive ever had so much fun.

It feels like a chapter of my life is now finished. My sister and her fella came down to see me and i said to them 'maybe after this evening you will understand a bit more about me from when i was a teenager'.
I kinda feel like i want to do something for those kids because dare i say it i dont think that any of the churches in the uk and the island are really doing anything that is relevant to these kids who are angry having sex getting pregnant and getting wasted all the time.

Maybe one day i'll find a purpose.
Maybe one day i'll know what im supposed to do on this planet.
Maybe one day i'll find god for real.